then it's noticeable...
The day that hubby get the call for his organ transplants I had gone to a nutritionist to try to prepare for what I knew then would be a long and arduous journey that I needed to be healthier for.
I was right, but a little too late out of the gate! LOL!
I had decided at 10am that morning that I was going to eat healthier, exercise more and in the process lose weight not for vanity's sake, but for health sake.
I had weighed myself the week before and was 266lbs and that was when I knew it was past the time. By the time I got to the "lifestyle coach" and she weighed and measured me I was 262.6lbs.
In the first 10 days alone I had lost 15lbs, so I was expecting GREAT weight loss like I had the last time nearly 8 years ago. Today, 20 weeks later I'm only down 25lbs (some days I'm down 30lbs and other I'm only down 20lbs. I have large weight fluctuations) but it's the inches that I've lost that is shocking even me.
When the person who sees you every day asks, "are you losing more weight?" it's definitely noticeable. When my mother who never gives weight comments in good ways goes "you really have lost a lot of weight!" notices and doesn't follow it up with a "but you need to lose more" it's definitely noticeable.
I feel kind of bad though because I will tell people I am losing weight, but really I'm not. I've been above and below the 240lbs mark now for a month, but I am still heading down sizes in clothes. Not sure how, but I'll take it!
I'm down 12" total from around my body. Again, not as much in the "target zone" of my belly, but the upper back, belly, arms, hips & legs have all reduced in size. The clothes that I had intended to wear to adjudicate this year really do not do me any justice, but I will have to wear what I have. I started this back in November at the top of the 5X (I was seriously considering getting a 6X) or 30/32W shirts. I was down to only 1 place in town that I could purchase tops at. Depending on the fabric and the cut I am either a 2X or 3X shirt now or a 22 top. when doing the X sizes, that's 3 sizes. When doing the numeric sizes, that's 5 sizes dropped! Pretty incredible when it usually takes 10lbs to drop a size!
I started in pants at fat store size 22 - and they were getting tighter by the day and I didn't even bother to look at regular stores for anything other than shoes. Today, I am down to a fat store 14/16 and a regular store 18. That's a difference of 3 sizes, which suits me JUST FINE that I'm losing more inches on the top than on the bottom since I had far more to lose on the top as I'm an inverted triangle which is just a bitchly shape to dress!!
I can't complain as I do feel healthier and better but the looking professional thing has really gotten to me today as I pack to go away to adjudicate and feel very bag-lady-ish and unkempt when I should be feeling proud and healthy. Ah well. Temporary first world problems :)
Saturday, April 07, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
Decisions, decisions
I said way back 10...12 years ago when I stopped full time self employment that I wouldn't do it again unless I had a stable partner income. Times have changed and when the decision was made to go back to full time teaching, that was the scenario.
Once again, I am staring down the barrell of the loaded shotgun known as the "summer season". THe reality is that my work is a seasonal activity. I am a teacher and while we do not teach within the school system, we are expected to match the timing of the school year. The big difference between me and any other teacher in the school system is that they get EI. I don't. Summer without pay. It's a loaded shotgun pointed in my face.
The past couple of years I have hodge-podged my way through thanks mostly to a rather lovely summer teaching gig through a high-profile arts institution. I made the same about in the 2 weeks there than I do teaching for the month at home privately. Add in covering for a well known organist taking the entire summer off and 2 days of students and I've been able to make it through.
This year, however there will not be the 2 week teaching gig through the arts institution. There will not be the church services as they have someone from within the congregation already covering due to an injury to the current organist that I am unable to help with as I will be away every other week due to adjudicating commitments. I have already been told by 3 of the hour long students I have had the past 2 summers that they are not planning on continuing through the summer as they need to take a breather. I TOTALLY get that! But, unfortunately, all of this has made me come to a quick realization that the shotgun is no longer pointed at my head, but is touching my forehead right between the eyes.
So...a decision has to be made. Do I make a life change now or take a summer job if there is one to be had? I'm thinking at this point for my age and such I'm looking at Tim Hortons, which is ok because I'll make sure to give tea when asked for it! LOL!! Or, do I suck it up, pack it in and either go for a "real" job in the "real" world? Another option still is going back to school. But for what? I'm really not wired to teach in the school system. I know that already. While I would like the schedule of the school system, I'm just not creative enough to survive and sustain myself in that setting. besides, music teachers are the first things cut. So, what else could I go back to school for? I'm not really sure. I couldn't do the psychology or sociology as I have no patience for stupidity. While part of me is very interested in medical things, I kida screwed myself back 15 years ago in university when I signed up for an anatomy & phsyiology class and never went giving me a big ole F on my transcript. Somehow, I don't think that anywhere I applied to now would really understand the "I was a lazy musician" logic since that's still what I am. I'm really not good at anything else other than music. So, while the most sensible thing would be to go back to school and change direction completely, I have no other viable skills to build upon.
This is all really disheartening.
On top of the fact that funding for schooling probably wouldn't be possible as again, I don't pay in to EI, so I wouldn't qualify for any help from skills, loans & grants and no bank wants to talk to a self employed person anymore about bank loans.
So...I guess the reality is that this really isn't much of a decision to be made after all.
Sometimes blogging really does help clarify things! :)
Once again, I am staring down the barrell of the loaded shotgun known as the "summer season". THe reality is that my work is a seasonal activity. I am a teacher and while we do not teach within the school system, we are expected to match the timing of the school year. The big difference between me and any other teacher in the school system is that they get EI. I don't. Summer without pay. It's a loaded shotgun pointed in my face.
The past couple of years I have hodge-podged my way through thanks mostly to a rather lovely summer teaching gig through a high-profile arts institution. I made the same about in the 2 weeks there than I do teaching for the month at home privately. Add in covering for a well known organist taking the entire summer off and 2 days of students and I've been able to make it through.
This year, however there will not be the 2 week teaching gig through the arts institution. There will not be the church services as they have someone from within the congregation already covering due to an injury to the current organist that I am unable to help with as I will be away every other week due to adjudicating commitments. I have already been told by 3 of the hour long students I have had the past 2 summers that they are not planning on continuing through the summer as they need to take a breather. I TOTALLY get that! But, unfortunately, all of this has made me come to a quick realization that the shotgun is no longer pointed at my head, but is touching my forehead right between the eyes.
So...a decision has to be made. Do I make a life change now or take a summer job if there is one to be had? I'm thinking at this point for my age and such I'm looking at Tim Hortons, which is ok because I'll make sure to give tea when asked for it! LOL!! Or, do I suck it up, pack it in and either go for a "real" job in the "real" world? Another option still is going back to school. But for what? I'm really not wired to teach in the school system. I know that already. While I would like the schedule of the school system, I'm just not creative enough to survive and sustain myself in that setting. besides, music teachers are the first things cut. So, what else could I go back to school for? I'm not really sure. I couldn't do the psychology or sociology as I have no patience for stupidity. While part of me is very interested in medical things, I kida screwed myself back 15 years ago in university when I signed up for an anatomy & phsyiology class and never went giving me a big ole F on my transcript. Somehow, I don't think that anywhere I applied to now would really understand the "I was a lazy musician" logic since that's still what I am. I'm really not good at anything else other than music. So, while the most sensible thing would be to go back to school and change direction completely, I have no other viable skills to build upon.
This is all really disheartening.
On top of the fact that funding for schooling probably wouldn't be possible as again, I don't pay in to EI, so I wouldn't qualify for any help from skills, loans & grants and no bank wants to talk to a self employed person anymore about bank loans.
So...I guess the reality is that this really isn't much of a decision to be made after all.
Sometimes blogging really does help clarify things! :)
Monday, February 27, 2012
Is it too much to ask?
We had a brand new furnace installed to the tune of well over $4000 on Friday. The first night we didn't notice much different - if anything, things were a bit quieter. Then on Saturday, it started making terrible creaking, groaning and banging noises. Thinking it was just settling, I waited to call until I made sure it was going to continue. On Sunday it was really getting bad. The banging was to the point where the entire floor from the back to the front of the house would shake and it sounded like a gunshot going off. Particularly disturbing as you try to sleep.
On Sunday, I called the furnace installation people. I realize it was a weekend and the fellow was only on call, but he did not do or say the right things to put me at ease that the furnace was working or that I made the right choice to go with this company in the first place as his only explanation was "It's probably something you'll have to live with." UMMMMMMM WHAAAAAAAT?!
So, needless to say I didn't want him to come over and take a look at a new furnace installed less than 48 hours earlier because he wouldn't have enough care or concern to look at it properly in the first place.
So, I called this morning to ask for the guy who installed it on Friday to come over. He'd been here a couple times previously and he was very nice.
Today was not his day - his truck broke down on the way to work and he seemed as unconcerned as my non friend on the phone! He basically said that there was probably a loose pipe under the house that was causing the issue because of the new pump but there was nothing that could be done. UMMMM NO! Take a look at it and listen to it before you tell me that there isn't anything that can be done! Once he heard it, he had to agree that it was abnormally loud and he took off his jacket and took out a screwdriver and got at "tinkering" with the valves.
A person shouldn't have to PLEAD with someone to take the time to actually look and listen. I'm not really surprised that they had to come back to tweak after the install. It's an old house and nothing goes quite perfectly when you put new in to old, but it was disappointing to have that reaction not once but TWICE from a company that is getting that kind of money to do such things. We were treated as morons and an inconvenience/waste of time on the phone but also upon arrival this morning.
Only after he had to do a fair bit of adjusting was there an admittance that there was an issue and that if we had any other problems or concerns to simply call and they'd come back to make the adjustments as needed. For that kind of money, have no fear that I will be calling if I have concerns.
How frustrating though to have to have that kind of gumption to stand up for yourself to two people! I know a few people who are not able to speak up for themselves and would have not had someone even come to look at it! SO WRONG!!
Happy Monday!
On Sunday, I called the furnace installation people. I realize it was a weekend and the fellow was only on call, but he did not do or say the right things to put me at ease that the furnace was working or that I made the right choice to go with this company in the first place as his only explanation was "It's probably something you'll have to live with." UMMMMMMM WHAAAAAAAT?!
So, needless to say I didn't want him to come over and take a look at a new furnace installed less than 48 hours earlier because he wouldn't have enough care or concern to look at it properly in the first place.
So, I called this morning to ask for the guy who installed it on Friday to come over. He'd been here a couple times previously and he was very nice.
Today was not his day - his truck broke down on the way to work and he seemed as unconcerned as my non friend on the phone! He basically said that there was probably a loose pipe under the house that was causing the issue because of the new pump but there was nothing that could be done. UMMMM NO! Take a look at it and listen to it before you tell me that there isn't anything that can be done! Once he heard it, he had to agree that it was abnormally loud and he took off his jacket and took out a screwdriver and got at "tinkering" with the valves.
A person shouldn't have to PLEAD with someone to take the time to actually look and listen. I'm not really surprised that they had to come back to tweak after the install. It's an old house and nothing goes quite perfectly when you put new in to old, but it was disappointing to have that reaction not once but TWICE from a company that is getting that kind of money to do such things. We were treated as morons and an inconvenience/waste of time on the phone but also upon arrival this morning.
Only after he had to do a fair bit of adjusting was there an admittance that there was an issue and that if we had any other problems or concerns to simply call and they'd come back to make the adjustments as needed. For that kind of money, have no fear that I will be calling if I have concerns.
How frustrating though to have to have that kind of gumption to stand up for yourself to two people! I know a few people who are not able to speak up for themselves and would have not had someone even come to look at it! SO WRONG!!
Happy Monday!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
It's getting harder and harder to breathe
I am finding it increasingly difficult to keep from feeling like I am drowning. Mentally, physically and emotionally just when I think "I can do this" there is another overwhelming event that happens and I feel like I suffocating and will never breathe again.
It is getting harder and harder to believe that everything that happens is for a reason and is happening at the right time. I'm feeling less and less blessed and more and more punished every moment of every day.
These are the times in my past that when it piles up like this, I would acknowledge I've made a wrong decision and go back and change the decision or make amends and the overwhelming roadblocks would almost immediately be lessened. Problem right now is, I'm not exactly sure what I've done wrong. Everything that is so quickly piling up (car repairs, plumbing repairs, furnace needs replacing and the roof will need to be re-done once the dry season arrives) are coming at me fast and furious like I've made the most grievous error of my life, but I don't know what decisions I have made. Most everything that I've been doing has been because I've had to and haven't had a choice. I'm starting to think it's a years old decision that has been lying dormant that is now waking up and bitch slapping me in the face for not realizing it sooner. But what the error is, I still don't know and there is just too much for a process of elimination situation.
I acknowledge my jealousy. I see other people with the exact same or similar work situations who have similar or same household expenses and repairs, dependents, etc. who are doing things, getting things and going places that I dare not even dream about and just don't understand how. I want to know so I can do it to.
There are those people who have jobs with health benefits, sick time and vacation time and they are unhappy with their situation. I have a job that by it's very nature is winding down and I will have no income for a couple of months. I have no health benefits, sick time or vacation time and I am unhappy with my situation. I don't know how there is no happiness on either end of the situation. I know I chose my situation and I thought I had this upcoming "down time" covered, but then my car died, my toilets died and my furnace died. I thankfully had some money to cover it, but will have to get a family loan to cover some and cover all the roof issues and that still leaves me with no reserve for the non-teaching time fast approaching. Perhaps it is time I once again look at the other end of the scenario and find a "real" job with fall-back benefits. It will suck because I'd have to give up things like adjudicating which I feel like I'm making big headway with in the short amount of time I've been active with it, but there needs to be a change somewhere, someway, somehow. I'm thinking that may make the demons go away again and stop suffocating me to death with difficulty. Just not sure what to change, how to change it or even why.
So, I will continue to stand still and wait for clearer direction and hope to not drown in the interim.
It is getting harder and harder to believe that everything that happens is for a reason and is happening at the right time. I'm feeling less and less blessed and more and more punished every moment of every day.
These are the times in my past that when it piles up like this, I would acknowledge I've made a wrong decision and go back and change the decision or make amends and the overwhelming roadblocks would almost immediately be lessened. Problem right now is, I'm not exactly sure what I've done wrong. Everything that is so quickly piling up (car repairs, plumbing repairs, furnace needs replacing and the roof will need to be re-done once the dry season arrives) are coming at me fast and furious like I've made the most grievous error of my life, but I don't know what decisions I have made. Most everything that I've been doing has been because I've had to and haven't had a choice. I'm starting to think it's a years old decision that has been lying dormant that is now waking up and bitch slapping me in the face for not realizing it sooner. But what the error is, I still don't know and there is just too much for a process of elimination situation.
I acknowledge my jealousy. I see other people with the exact same or similar work situations who have similar or same household expenses and repairs, dependents, etc. who are doing things, getting things and going places that I dare not even dream about and just don't understand how. I want to know so I can do it to.
There are those people who have jobs with health benefits, sick time and vacation time and they are unhappy with their situation. I have a job that by it's very nature is winding down and I will have no income for a couple of months. I have no health benefits, sick time or vacation time and I am unhappy with my situation. I don't know how there is no happiness on either end of the situation. I know I chose my situation and I thought I had this upcoming "down time" covered, but then my car died, my toilets died and my furnace died. I thankfully had some money to cover it, but will have to get a family loan to cover some and cover all the roof issues and that still leaves me with no reserve for the non-teaching time fast approaching. Perhaps it is time I once again look at the other end of the scenario and find a "real" job with fall-back benefits. It will suck because I'd have to give up things like adjudicating which I feel like I'm making big headway with in the short amount of time I've been active with it, but there needs to be a change somewhere, someway, somehow. I'm thinking that may make the demons go away again and stop suffocating me to death with difficulty. Just not sure what to change, how to change it or even why.
So, I will continue to stand still and wait for clearer direction and hope to not drown in the interim.
Saturday, February 04, 2012
6 weeks to go and a ton of work to do!
Well, I am 6 weeks away from my first vocal/choral adjudicating gig. I have so much prep work to do as I'm adjudicating 3 different places. It's 6 weeks out and yet I am already overwhelmed. All I've done is print off the syllabi, label the notebooks for each job and already I'm ready to quit! I'm hoping that I will find focus and inspiration and fast! Especially since one of the jobs has made me an enemy (or 2) already before I've even started! Have to be extra perpared for that one. At least that one is the last and closer to 12 weeks out! LOL!!
So, I have given myself a deadline to get in to a new routine. I'll let you know if I meet it.
So, I have given myself a deadline to get in to a new routine. I'll let you know if I meet it.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Is about to become the most hated person in my area!
So...I'm poised to become one of the most hated people in my profession in my immediate area! I am adjudicating at 3 festivals this year - all in voice & choral. Last year was piano, this year is voice, which is great for me - kill the requirements for national adjudicator certification in 2 years instead of 3, but the largest festival I'm at released the names of all of the adjudicators for all disciplines for this year yesterday. I am doing the higher levels of competition over a lady who is older, with far more adjudicating experience (that will be my third festival to adjudicate, it's just that it's all in a span of 6 weeks!) and is teaching at two different universities! Not really sure of the logic behind the festival board's choice of who adjudicates what, but I'm sure she will be utterly unimpressed with that decision as will at least 3 - 4 of the teachers in my immediate area and 2 from other places in the province who will absolutely be ready to spit nails in my face for it.
Should be an interesting ramp up to festival season indeed!
I may be in over my head, but I'll never know until I fail!
Should be an interesting ramp up to festival season indeed!
I may be in over my head, but I'll never know until I fail!
Monday, January 23, 2012
An update on me bring a prude
So, an update on the situation of the friend and her relationship.
Her friend came to town for the week and never once made time to see her. When she finally got in touch with him and asked if there was a problem, the response was that at this time in his life (she's 35, he's 53) he wasn't up for dealing with dating someone who doesn't have grown children that he found the whole episode the last time he was around very upsetting and draining. He is looking for someone to spoil, not to teach someone how not to be spoiled (he travels the world and told her he would take her with him when he went abroad/south, etc).
So, now the blame for this failed attempt of a relationship that could have been so profitable is squarely on the 10 year old, of course. That's not going to be a parent/child relationship that will have a good end result at the rate they are going!
I'm still not sure that I'm not a prude, but I'd like to think I'd be smarter with my decisions if I was in the same position!
Her friend came to town for the week and never once made time to see her. When she finally got in touch with him and asked if there was a problem, the response was that at this time in his life (she's 35, he's 53) he wasn't up for dealing with dating someone who doesn't have grown children that he found the whole episode the last time he was around very upsetting and draining. He is looking for someone to spoil, not to teach someone how not to be spoiled (he travels the world and told her he would take her with him when he went abroad/south, etc).
So, now the blame for this failed attempt of a relationship that could have been so profitable is squarely on the 10 year old, of course. That's not going to be a parent/child relationship that will have a good end result at the rate they are going!
I'm still not sure that I'm not a prude, but I'd like to think I'd be smarter with my decisions if I was in the same position!
Saturday, January 21, 2012
I'm actually going to say No
I have been complaining/referencing that I'm just a girl who can't say no for a while now, and have done nothing to actively change that and always caving in to the popular decision, even when it's not in my best interest.
I have decided this morning to say no to something for the first time in a long time. I have been asked to join an "elite chorus" for a touring show that is coming in to town in March. The person who is directing it is a good friend and someone I work with during the week on a regular basis. All the people that have been asked to perform in this chorus are the "pros" in town and the people who have a lot of influence in the music happening in this area who have all been very kind to us over the past few months. I'd LOVE to work with them all, I really would! I think I'd even enjoy the music, even though it's Bach (which I normally despise), but the main hesitation for me is that there are 5 weeks of rehearsals. Every Sunday night from 7 - 9pm from next Sunday night until the performance night plus a dress rehearsal on the stage the night before and/or afternoon of (depending on the tours schedule). I just don't have that kind of time to devote to an "extra" right now. I have church on Sunday mornings (a paying gig) from 9:30am - noon, then I teach from 1 - 5pm. Giving up Sunday nights just isn't appealing to me in the least right now, especially when I will have to be using almost every extra second to prep for three adjudication jobs starting the end of March through until May!
I know that a few of these people will think and probably even accuse me of being selfish, but I have to say no. If it was a 2 rehearsal thing (which, I really don't see why it can't be as all the invitees are "pros") then I'd be in, but I just can't think of 5 or 6 weeks weeks of Sunday nights singing Bach as anything really enjoyable.
Shame of it is that I could be using that as experience for my first choral adjudicating gigs coming up as part of the adjudication gigs this year, but I just can't bring myself to say yes.
So, I'm a girl who is learning to say no. Let's see if this comes back to bite me on the ass and if so, how hard?!
I have decided this morning to say no to something for the first time in a long time. I have been asked to join an "elite chorus" for a touring show that is coming in to town in March. The person who is directing it is a good friend and someone I work with during the week on a regular basis. All the people that have been asked to perform in this chorus are the "pros" in town and the people who have a lot of influence in the music happening in this area who have all been very kind to us over the past few months. I'd LOVE to work with them all, I really would! I think I'd even enjoy the music, even though it's Bach (which I normally despise), but the main hesitation for me is that there are 5 weeks of rehearsals. Every Sunday night from 7 - 9pm from next Sunday night until the performance night plus a dress rehearsal on the stage the night before and/or afternoon of (depending on the tours schedule). I just don't have that kind of time to devote to an "extra" right now. I have church on Sunday mornings (a paying gig) from 9:30am - noon, then I teach from 1 - 5pm. Giving up Sunday nights just isn't appealing to me in the least right now, especially when I will have to be using almost every extra second to prep for three adjudication jobs starting the end of March through until May!
I know that a few of these people will think and probably even accuse me of being selfish, but I have to say no. If it was a 2 rehearsal thing (which, I really don't see why it can't be as all the invitees are "pros") then I'd be in, but I just can't think of 5 or 6 weeks weeks of Sunday nights singing Bach as anything really enjoyable.
Shame of it is that I could be using that as experience for my first choral adjudicating gigs coming up as part of the adjudication gigs this year, but I just can't bring myself to say yes.
So, I'm a girl who is learning to say no. Let's see if this comes back to bite me on the ass and if so, how hard?!
Friday, January 06, 2012
why the hiatus
So, I said I'd come back and post more about the surgery.
On Nov 15th at 5:05pm, a mere 23 days after being put on the transplant list, my hubby got the call that there was a donor match and that he had to be on the road for a 4 hour drive by 6pm because they needed him there by 10pm.
I was working and while I could have made it out of town in less than an hour, it really wasn't practical, so one phone call later to a friend whom I now call an angel on earth and they were on the road by 5:50pm!
A mountain of phone calls later to make arrangements for my students, packing a couple of bags (since we didn't do that before then because...we had LOTS of time to wait while on the list), getting some cash from my parents, get gas and I too was on the road. The 4 hour drive for me was more like 3 hours with 2 stops for gas. Yes. That's right. I had to make 2 stops for gas. Driving at a deathly fast speed on the highway at night seems to use a lot more gas that usual.
I admit it now on the other side of things that I definitely wasn't the person to be driving my husband to the hospital, but at the time the call came, all I wanted to do was be the person to drive him to the hospital! You see, there was a binder that we got when we met with the team in Halifax. There was a part in the back that gave a bit of information on how to prepare yourself and we hadn't gotten to that part of the binder yet. Hell, we hadn't even looked at the binder yet. We had lots of time to wait! So, we were supposed to discuss and decide on things like who would drive him/me/us and contact people and have them all agree about driving in advance. We were supposed to discuss things like what do we need for finances for living away from home for what was supposed to be an extended period of time (we were told at the meeting by the team the average is 3 months in hospital, but if there were complications up to a year in hospital), what our plans were if things went well and if they didn't go well, such as what the person wanted for a funeral as well as sign forms and fill in paperwork to be given to them upon arrival of things like alternative decision maker, contact person, etc. So, um yeah. I wanted him to fill that out as I drove him down, but it didn't work that way.
So, our angel on earth got him safely to the hospital with me a mere 30 minutes behind them even though I left 2 hours after them! LOL! I can not stress enough that you should NOT drive alone. There was no way anyone else would have been driving me. They would have been far too slow for my anxieties, but it would have been nice to have something other than only my dialogue rolling around in my head. :P
After numerous delays (including a fire in the hospital) he was taken to surgery. I missed him being taken down. I won't go in to the gory details, but let's just say the fact that I missed him going was NOT a pleasant situation or sight as my GA disorder was in high gear. The nurses will not be forgetting THAT scene for a while, nor will my other angel on earth whom I hadn't seen since high school who showed up at the hospital that night just to sit so I would no longer be alone. Poor thing just had NO idea what happened, what I would do or how fast I can really walk! LOL!
Anyway, I am thankful to say that the implantation of a kidney and pancreas went well and they functioned within 24 hours. Things have not been perfect - he lost his sight after the surgery and it has slowly been coming back and the bottom part of the incision split, so he is still 7 weeks after surgery still dealing with an open wound to the fascia and has a machine on 24/7 trying to speed the healing process, but he has had no pain medication since the day after surgery and his blood work has stayed relatively stable. We are currently dealing with a potential kidney issue, but he thinks he knows why the blood work has gone sky high and he has to go in for emergency blood work in the morning, so hopefully we will know more tomorrow. If not tomorrow, Monday at the latest as that is when he has his regularly scheduled bloodwork.
But, there have been blessings and miracles all around. He got both organs. There was a fellow who ended up being a room mate for a few days who went in to surgery expecting a kidney & pancreas, but come out only to be told the pancreas wasn't viable. How devastating it was for that family. We were truly blessed that not only did he get both organs, but that both worked right away. He has been 7 weeks without needing to take any insulin. He was sent home for Christmas. Truly, miraculous considering he was minimum 12 weeks in hospital and he was home in 4! That's not to say that he is home to stay, though I hope he is because that means no serious complications, but anything can happen and he may have to go back to the surgery city, but for now we is healing slowly, finding more stamina daily and the organs are still working. Not much more we can ask for.
We can only hope that your Christmas/holiday season brought happiness and miracles for you & yours as it did to us! Here's hoping for a happy & health-filled 2012!
On Nov 15th at 5:05pm, a mere 23 days after being put on the transplant list, my hubby got the call that there was a donor match and that he had to be on the road for a 4 hour drive by 6pm because they needed him there by 10pm.
I was working and while I could have made it out of town in less than an hour, it really wasn't practical, so one phone call later to a friend whom I now call an angel on earth and they were on the road by 5:50pm!
A mountain of phone calls later to make arrangements for my students, packing a couple of bags (since we didn't do that before then because...we had LOTS of time to wait while on the list), getting some cash from my parents, get gas and I too was on the road. The 4 hour drive for me was more like 3 hours with 2 stops for gas. Yes. That's right. I had to make 2 stops for gas. Driving at a deathly fast speed on the highway at night seems to use a lot more gas that usual.
I admit it now on the other side of things that I definitely wasn't the person to be driving my husband to the hospital, but at the time the call came, all I wanted to do was be the person to drive him to the hospital! You see, there was a binder that we got when we met with the team in Halifax. There was a part in the back that gave a bit of information on how to prepare yourself and we hadn't gotten to that part of the binder yet. Hell, we hadn't even looked at the binder yet. We had lots of time to wait! So, we were supposed to discuss and decide on things like who would drive him/me/us and contact people and have them all agree about driving in advance. We were supposed to discuss things like what do we need for finances for living away from home for what was supposed to be an extended period of time (we were told at the meeting by the team the average is 3 months in hospital, but if there were complications up to a year in hospital), what our plans were if things went well and if they didn't go well, such as what the person wanted for a funeral as well as sign forms and fill in paperwork to be given to them upon arrival of things like alternative decision maker, contact person, etc. So, um yeah. I wanted him to fill that out as I drove him down, but it didn't work that way.
So, our angel on earth got him safely to the hospital with me a mere 30 minutes behind them even though I left 2 hours after them! LOL! I can not stress enough that you should NOT drive alone. There was no way anyone else would have been driving me. They would have been far too slow for my anxieties, but it would have been nice to have something other than only my dialogue rolling around in my head. :P
After numerous delays (including a fire in the hospital) he was taken to surgery. I missed him being taken down. I won't go in to the gory details, but let's just say the fact that I missed him going was NOT a pleasant situation or sight as my GA disorder was in high gear. The nurses will not be forgetting THAT scene for a while, nor will my other angel on earth whom I hadn't seen since high school who showed up at the hospital that night just to sit so I would no longer be alone. Poor thing just had NO idea what happened, what I would do or how fast I can really walk! LOL!
Anyway, I am thankful to say that the implantation of a kidney and pancreas went well and they functioned within 24 hours. Things have not been perfect - he lost his sight after the surgery and it has slowly been coming back and the bottom part of the incision split, so he is still 7 weeks after surgery still dealing with an open wound to the fascia and has a machine on 24/7 trying to speed the healing process, but he has had no pain medication since the day after surgery and his blood work has stayed relatively stable. We are currently dealing with a potential kidney issue, but he thinks he knows why the blood work has gone sky high and he has to go in for emergency blood work in the morning, so hopefully we will know more tomorrow. If not tomorrow, Monday at the latest as that is when he has his regularly scheduled bloodwork.
But, there have been blessings and miracles all around. He got both organs. There was a fellow who ended up being a room mate for a few days who went in to surgery expecting a kidney & pancreas, but come out only to be told the pancreas wasn't viable. How devastating it was for that family. We were truly blessed that not only did he get both organs, but that both worked right away. He has been 7 weeks without needing to take any insulin. He was sent home for Christmas. Truly, miraculous considering he was minimum 12 weeks in hospital and he was home in 4! That's not to say that he is home to stay, though I hope he is because that means no serious complications, but anything can happen and he may have to go back to the surgery city, but for now we is healing slowly, finding more stamina daily and the organs are still working. Not much more we can ask for.
We can only hope that your Christmas/holiday season brought happiness and miracles for you & yours as it did to us! Here's hoping for a happy & health-filled 2012!
posting hiatus
Due to various reasons, I have had a rather lengthy hiatus from posting. The main reason is that my husband had major surgery. More on that later.
Right now, I have a burning question. Am I REALLY a prude? I never thought of myself as one, but I believe I am a serious prude/stick in the mud after a conversation I had this afternoon.
I had lunch with a friend who is going on her third year of "working on a divorce". her husband moved on 3+ years ago and has been living with his "new woman" for as long as my friend and he have been split. She however, did not move on right away, though she has had a couple of long-term (probably even considered serious) relationships as well as a couple of "flings". At the start of things, the children were 7 & 10 years of age. They are now 10 & 13. At the start of things, she said she kept a hard and fast rule of not introducing suitors to the kids until she knew that it wasn't just a fling. That's cool with me. Makes sense in my brain. The last 3 or 4 though have met the kids up front. She figures they are now old enough to deal with things if it's not a long term situation in the end. The second to last relationship their first date included the kids and within 6 weeks, they were done. The kids got attached to a "psycho" and she had to put an end to it even though the kids really liked him.
Today, she tell me about her new man. He seems very nice and they seem to be well-suited. The thing that they will be dealing with is that it will be a long distance relationship with him away for 2-4 weeks at a time. They've been dating 6 or 7 weeks and have spent 3 weeks in each others presence during this time.
What I turned in to a total prude about what when she started telling me about their lovely last few nights together and the youngest just starts "grrrrr"ing. Literally! I was confused, until she told the child to "get over it". Apparently, last night was their last night together for a few weeks and they were making the most of it, but the kids were up and watching TV and as they were "enjoying themselves", they weren't being quiet or even trying to hide it from the kids. The youngest (10, remember) got so upset he started pounding on the door and screaming at them to stop. She said she was so mad and SO embarrassed and opened the door long enough to tell the child that she was an adult and adults have sex and to get used to it!
Ummmm...ok, I GET the fact that you won't be seeing each other for a while, but I DON'T get the mentality that doing it loud enough to freak the kid out is no big deal and that they just have to get used to it! Apparently, this wasn't the first time this happened. In the relationship with the "psycho", the older one pounded on the door to get them to stop and/or quiet down a couple of times, but now that child just laughs about it. The older one told me today that they just grabbed their computer and their headphones and drowned them out.
I guess I have issues on a few different levels about a few different things.
1) If you are doing something to upset your children so much that they have a complete and utter freak out, stop doing it.
2) If said freak out happens multiple times by multiple children, STOP DOING IT!
3) Sex isn't THAT important! I believe that you need to put kids before sex. I am also a person who can go for long periods of time without having sex (longest time was just over 7 years) and I don't understand the "need to have it" issues that what seems like 99% of the rest of the population have.
4) If the discussion of the person you are in a relationship with illicits that response from your child, RE-THINK THE RELATIONSHIP!! You will only have one relationship with your kids, but men come and go (or come and blow, but that's another rant)
Am I just a complete stick in the mud/prude for the disbelief of the conversation and the events that led to this conversation? What is wrong with me that I don't have the need for sex like the rest of the world does that they forgo everything and everyone else for it? Am I the one that is wrong? Am I broken? Or am I the clear thinking one and they are only thinking with their bodies and not their brains?
I tried to not portray that I was highly mortified and offended for myself, but mostly for the kids who were also enduring this conversation with me! I am not sure I was successful, but I can say I was completely blown away by the flippant way the conversation went not just with me, but with the kids and can't help but wonder what the 10 year old is going to turn out like as the hormones start to come alive! Will they both be flippant sex fiends who seem to have no care about anything or anyone else around them and will have it when and where they want it? I also can't help but wonder what the mother is going to do when they come of age (which is 16, I believe in Canada) and they want to have sex in their mother's house! Words to haunt you, I think.
I think I'm glad I don't have the desires of the rest of the population since it isn't something I could ever see myself becoming a slave to like this person has!
So...what say you...am I a prude?
Right now, I have a burning question. Am I REALLY a prude? I never thought of myself as one, but I believe I am a serious prude/stick in the mud after a conversation I had this afternoon.
I had lunch with a friend who is going on her third year of "working on a divorce". her husband moved on 3+ years ago and has been living with his "new woman" for as long as my friend and he have been split. She however, did not move on right away, though she has had a couple of long-term (probably even considered serious) relationships as well as a couple of "flings". At the start of things, the children were 7 & 10 years of age. They are now 10 & 13. At the start of things, she said she kept a hard and fast rule of not introducing suitors to the kids until she knew that it wasn't just a fling. That's cool with me. Makes sense in my brain. The last 3 or 4 though have met the kids up front. She figures they are now old enough to deal with things if it's not a long term situation in the end. The second to last relationship their first date included the kids and within 6 weeks, they were done. The kids got attached to a "psycho" and she had to put an end to it even though the kids really liked him.
Today, she tell me about her new man. He seems very nice and they seem to be well-suited. The thing that they will be dealing with is that it will be a long distance relationship with him away for 2-4 weeks at a time. They've been dating 6 or 7 weeks and have spent 3 weeks in each others presence during this time.
What I turned in to a total prude about what when she started telling me about their lovely last few nights together and the youngest just starts "grrrrr"ing. Literally! I was confused, until she told the child to "get over it". Apparently, last night was their last night together for a few weeks and they were making the most of it, but the kids were up and watching TV and as they were "enjoying themselves", they weren't being quiet or even trying to hide it from the kids. The youngest (10, remember) got so upset he started pounding on the door and screaming at them to stop. She said she was so mad and SO embarrassed and opened the door long enough to tell the child that she was an adult and adults have sex and to get used to it!
Ummmm...ok, I GET the fact that you won't be seeing each other for a while, but I DON'T get the mentality that doing it loud enough to freak the kid out is no big deal and that they just have to get used to it! Apparently, this wasn't the first time this happened. In the relationship with the "psycho", the older one pounded on the door to get them to stop and/or quiet down a couple of times, but now that child just laughs about it. The older one told me today that they just grabbed their computer and their headphones and drowned them out.
I guess I have issues on a few different levels about a few different things.
1) If you are doing something to upset your children so much that they have a complete and utter freak out, stop doing it.
2) If said freak out happens multiple times by multiple children, STOP DOING IT!
3) Sex isn't THAT important! I believe that you need to put kids before sex. I am also a person who can go for long periods of time without having sex (longest time was just over 7 years) and I don't understand the "need to have it" issues that what seems like 99% of the rest of the population have.
4) If the discussion of the person you are in a relationship with illicits that response from your child, RE-THINK THE RELATIONSHIP!! You will only have one relationship with your kids, but men come and go (or come and blow, but that's another rant)
Am I just a complete stick in the mud/prude for the disbelief of the conversation and the events that led to this conversation? What is wrong with me that I don't have the need for sex like the rest of the world does that they forgo everything and everyone else for it? Am I the one that is wrong? Am I broken? Or am I the clear thinking one and they are only thinking with their bodies and not their brains?
I tried to not portray that I was highly mortified and offended for myself, but mostly for the kids who were also enduring this conversation with me! I am not sure I was successful, but I can say I was completely blown away by the flippant way the conversation went not just with me, but with the kids and can't help but wonder what the 10 year old is going to turn out like as the hormones start to come alive! Will they both be flippant sex fiends who seem to have no care about anything or anyone else around them and will have it when and where they want it? I also can't help but wonder what the mother is going to do when they come of age (which is 16, I believe in Canada) and they want to have sex in their mother's house! Words to haunt you, I think.
I think I'm glad I don't have the desires of the rest of the population since it isn't something I could ever see myself becoming a slave to like this person has!
So...what say you...am I a prude?
Saturday, October 29, 2011
some good news about work
Last night and this morning I opened my email to some news that absolutely THRILLED me. I had been corresponding with a festival in the northern part of the province about coming up to adjudicate in the spring. The timing was a bit tricky though as i was already booked for the other dates that they had originally wanted. I told them the dates I would be available, but it would have meant that I was away for 3 weeks straight adjudicating.
They came back to me last night with alternative dates completely...in MARCH! So, it looks like my festivalling for 2012 will start in March and go through until May! It actually makes for a slightly better schedule for me overall though as it will be one week away, one week home over a 6 week period of time and that I won't miss so large of a chunk with my students before their festival time.
It also meant that by being able to do it, I have 3 festivals this year - 2 solely for voice and choral and this last one will be voice and piano! The national governing body for adjudicating will not even look at you before you have 3 festivals under your belt in your genre. I had given myself a goal of 3 festivals per instrument in 3 years. This newest adjudication booking means that I will have 3 piano adjudications and 3 voice adjudications in 2 years and I should be able to apply for my national status come May!!
I'm ELATED and hopeful that all will go well!
Then, this morning I get an email from the organizer of vocal competition being held in Sackville. The competition is only for teachers who have a special designation in the Maritime provinces. The majority of them are professors of voice at universities, but I was granted my designation in May of this year thanks to working closely with an american prof the past couple of summers. I was fully intending to go up and watch and learn from the other teachers from all the provinces as well as the adjudications, but they needed another adjudicator and asked if I would sit at the table with one of the profs whom I have thankfully met before, but not works with before. She and I will be adjudicating the high school categories which will be both classical and musical theatre genres. Slightly intimidating since I technically haven't adjudicated voice before, but I am thrilled that they are willing to take a chance on someone whom they've not met, not worked with and really don't know. I hope to do them proud even though it's something that I have to be on the road around 5:3-am for and I am SO not a morning person! ROFL!! That's the part that should be interesting!!
They came back to me last night with alternative dates completely...in MARCH! So, it looks like my festivalling for 2012 will start in March and go through until May! It actually makes for a slightly better schedule for me overall though as it will be one week away, one week home over a 6 week period of time and that I won't miss so large of a chunk with my students before their festival time.
It also meant that by being able to do it, I have 3 festivals this year - 2 solely for voice and choral and this last one will be voice and piano! The national governing body for adjudicating will not even look at you before you have 3 festivals under your belt in your genre. I had given myself a goal of 3 festivals per instrument in 3 years. This newest adjudication booking means that I will have 3 piano adjudications and 3 voice adjudications in 2 years and I should be able to apply for my national status come May!!
I'm ELATED and hopeful that all will go well!
Then, this morning I get an email from the organizer of vocal competition being held in Sackville. The competition is only for teachers who have a special designation in the Maritime provinces. The majority of them are professors of voice at universities, but I was granted my designation in May of this year thanks to working closely with an american prof the past couple of summers. I was fully intending to go up and watch and learn from the other teachers from all the provinces as well as the adjudications, but they needed another adjudicator and asked if I would sit at the table with one of the profs whom I have thankfully met before, but not works with before. She and I will be adjudicating the high school categories which will be both classical and musical theatre genres. Slightly intimidating since I technically haven't adjudicated voice before, but I am thrilled that they are willing to take a chance on someone whom they've not met, not worked with and really don't know. I hope to do them proud even though it's something that I have to be on the road around 5:3-am for and I am SO not a morning person! ROFL!! That's the part that should be interesting!!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Passive-Agressive vs Passive vs Agressive
I used to be an agressive personality. I admitted it. I owned it. After living the "corporate life" and by most every one's accounts taking a nervous breakdown trying to become less agressive while dealing with passive and passive-agressive personalities, I have come to the realization in the past few weeks that I have become passive-aggressive myself. Due to this - specifically the inability to say no, or suffer inappropriate amounts of guilt, I have really painted myself in to a corner with regards to scheduling. I have done nothing but seethe about it to myself, at myself, etc.
After the breakdown, I became passive. Completely happy to let others make my decisions, said nothing to anyone, didn't want to fight for fear of hurting someone by what I did or said. Times have changed and so has my life's responsibilities and work. I have come to realize that I have not dealt with the transition well. In the process of transition I have become passive-aggressive. I never say no, paste a smile on my face, ry not to argue with anyone about anything so that I don't hurt anyone and yet in the process I hurt myself and then get mad at myself and then fume and fester.
I think (I hope) that tonight may be a turning point from this passive-aggressive point. I don't want to be back to full aggressive, but I hope to be less passive. I hope that I will not allow myself to feel guilt if I say no. I hope that I will remember tonight's trigger...something my mother said to me. She said that if I have something to say to just say it. She raised me to speak my mind whether someone else liked it or not. I had forgotten that. I had put everyone else's wants and needs ahead of mine. I hope that I can walk that fine line a little better going forward. I can fix the corner I painted myself in to, but I can't have to make it any tighter of a corner than it is going forward and perhaps I can stop the self-flogging over it!
Either way, the only person who has complete say over me is me and I have to remember that too!
After the breakdown, I became passive. Completely happy to let others make my decisions, said nothing to anyone, didn't want to fight for fear of hurting someone by what I did or said. Times have changed and so has my life's responsibilities and work. I have come to realize that I have not dealt with the transition well. In the process of transition I have become passive-aggressive. I never say no, paste a smile on my face, ry not to argue with anyone about anything so that I don't hurt anyone and yet in the process I hurt myself and then get mad at myself and then fume and fester.
I think (I hope) that tonight may be a turning point from this passive-aggressive point. I don't want to be back to full aggressive, but I hope to be less passive. I hope that I will not allow myself to feel guilt if I say no. I hope that I will remember tonight's trigger...something my mother said to me. She said that if I have something to say to just say it. She raised me to speak my mind whether someone else liked it or not. I had forgotten that. I had put everyone else's wants and needs ahead of mine. I hope that I can walk that fine line a little better going forward. I can fix the corner I painted myself in to, but I can't have to make it any tighter of a corner than it is going forward and perhaps I can stop the self-flogging over it!
Either way, the only person who has complete say over me is me and I have to remember that too!
Monday, October 17, 2011
waiting of a different kind
We finally got the call we have been waiting for - my hubby is on the double transplant list and is eligible for both pancreas & kidney. This is scary and exciting all at the same time for different reasons and in different ways.
He is quite excited by it all. He has the potential, if the right donor is found to be freed of all kidney and diabetic issues (in theory) for at least a little while. There are potential pitfalls, as with any major surgeries. One being the pancreas itself is a very delicate organ and doesn't transplant well. 1 in 5 or 6 fail. It is a very porous and veinous organ so many difficulties getting it attached and working. The other issue with the pancreas is where it is located and the type of surgery. They have only done 2 double transplants in our area in the past 12 months and neither one have been successful.
The other scary thing is that kidney transplants generally take a few days in hospital and a few days in the step down unit, a few days of observation post surgery and they are home in a week to 10 days. Pancreas transplants are so tricky and delicate that they have ever only had one person in hospital for less than 3 months post-op. The longest was a year. Average is 6 months in hospital after the surgery. Now THAT's scary. For varying reasons. The first one is that hubby doesn't do well with hospitals. Who does, really? The second is that I am self-employed and if I don't work, I don't get paid and neither do the bills, so it is very doubtful that I will be able to be at the hospital with him for more than a week or two. So, it scares me that he could be in a place he despises, alone for at least 6 months. That's not potential to break someone's spirit or marriage or anything! There will be some relatives of his in the area who can visit, but they aren't the most mobile either, so there will be a lot of alone time which is difficult on the head and heart.
We now have a lot of planning to do. We have to plan now for the good and the bad. We have to plan to pay for the post-transplant medications (for life), which we are hopeful the provincial government will agree to pay for. We're not sure of that though, so if they won't, we have to find ways to cover a few grand in medications a month as these are not optional medications. We have to plan for travel expenses, cost of living in Halifax for when he is discharged from the hospital as he can't come right home afterward. We have to plan for if things go badly what he wants for a funeral and how to pay for that. So far, the only thing I can figure is that we have a lot of financial planning to do without a lot of finances to plan with.
So, now I plan fundraisers. While I don't want my family to hold all the burden of helping me with this, it is what it is and I use what resources I have available. Right now, that is family. I'm thinking a concert with an auction to start the fundraising off. Then a CD, but that will cost $1100 - 1500 to produce, so not really a big gain there if you have to fork it out on production costs.
I also have to plan on finding constant and consistent work over the summer. Not teaching full time isn't an option this year as I am just making the expenses as it is. So, I will wait and see what comes available after adjudicating in April. One part of me hopes that the transplant happens in the summer when I technically have 3 months off, but I can't really take 3 months off or we'd be on welfare.
I also just realized that we are for lack of a better term, grounded. He can't leave the Atlantic provinces, or he has to go on hold on the transplant list. That rather sucks. Not that we have the finances to take a vacation mind you, but now that you know you can't, that's what you really want to do.
Oh the mind plays such nasty tricks on you when figuring things like this out.
Should be an interesting time. Could be a short time or a long time, but at least there is a period of time where we are productively waiting.
He is quite excited by it all. He has the potential, if the right donor is found to be freed of all kidney and diabetic issues (in theory) for at least a little while. There are potential pitfalls, as with any major surgeries. One being the pancreas itself is a very delicate organ and doesn't transplant well. 1 in 5 or 6 fail. It is a very porous and veinous organ so many difficulties getting it attached and working. The other issue with the pancreas is where it is located and the type of surgery. They have only done 2 double transplants in our area in the past 12 months and neither one have been successful.
The other scary thing is that kidney transplants generally take a few days in hospital and a few days in the step down unit, a few days of observation post surgery and they are home in a week to 10 days. Pancreas transplants are so tricky and delicate that they have ever only had one person in hospital for less than 3 months post-op. The longest was a year. Average is 6 months in hospital after the surgery. Now THAT's scary. For varying reasons. The first one is that hubby doesn't do well with hospitals. Who does, really? The second is that I am self-employed and if I don't work, I don't get paid and neither do the bills, so it is very doubtful that I will be able to be at the hospital with him for more than a week or two. So, it scares me that he could be in a place he despises, alone for at least 6 months. That's not potential to break someone's spirit or marriage or anything! There will be some relatives of his in the area who can visit, but they aren't the most mobile either, so there will be a lot of alone time which is difficult on the head and heart.
We now have a lot of planning to do. We have to plan now for the good and the bad. We have to plan to pay for the post-transplant medications (for life), which we are hopeful the provincial government will agree to pay for. We're not sure of that though, so if they won't, we have to find ways to cover a few grand in medications a month as these are not optional medications. We have to plan for travel expenses, cost of living in Halifax for when he is discharged from the hospital as he can't come right home afterward. We have to plan for if things go badly what he wants for a funeral and how to pay for that. So far, the only thing I can figure is that we have a lot of financial planning to do without a lot of finances to plan with.
So, now I plan fundraisers. While I don't want my family to hold all the burden of helping me with this, it is what it is and I use what resources I have available. Right now, that is family. I'm thinking a concert with an auction to start the fundraising off. Then a CD, but that will cost $1100 - 1500 to produce, so not really a big gain there if you have to fork it out on production costs.
I also have to plan on finding constant and consistent work over the summer. Not teaching full time isn't an option this year as I am just making the expenses as it is. So, I will wait and see what comes available after adjudicating in April. One part of me hopes that the transplant happens in the summer when I technically have 3 months off, but I can't really take 3 months off or we'd be on welfare.
I also just realized that we are for lack of a better term, grounded. He can't leave the Atlantic provinces, or he has to go on hold on the transplant list. That rather sucks. Not that we have the finances to take a vacation mind you, but now that you know you can't, that's what you really want to do.
Oh the mind plays such nasty tricks on you when figuring things like this out.
Should be an interesting time. Could be a short time or a long time, but at least there is a period of time where we are productively waiting.
Monday, September 05, 2011
I'm just a girl who can't say no!
So...um...yeah...normally not saying no is a bad thing. Then again, this might turn out badly on a few different levels, but I just couldn't say no to this opportunity.
I was invited to adjudicate a "medium to large" festival (almost the same size as ours). I was invited to adjudicate their senior voice, school & community choirs!! I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to go to a larger festival!
This could be bad since it is the SAME WEEK as our local festival. That's ok. I had sent an email out to the parents that I probably wouldn't be putting people in this year's festival anyway! LOL!! But, I will be leaving another teacher without an accompanist. *shrugs* This year, there were 3 full time accompanists to serve all the kids. This year, I'll be away & another has a full time day & night gig that week, so that leaves 1 accompanist. I'll take losing funds to gain the experience.
Here's hoping it's a spring board for the bigger ones/out of province ones...and that it doesn't completely backfire on me!!
I was invited to adjudicate a "medium to large" festival (almost the same size as ours). I was invited to adjudicate their senior voice, school & community choirs!! I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to go to a larger festival!
This could be bad since it is the SAME WEEK as our local festival. That's ok. I had sent an email out to the parents that I probably wouldn't be putting people in this year's festival anyway! LOL!! But, I will be leaving another teacher without an accompanist. *shrugs* This year, there were 3 full time accompanists to serve all the kids. This year, I'll be away & another has a full time day & night gig that week, so that leaves 1 accompanist. I'll take losing funds to gain the experience.
Here's hoping it's a spring board for the bigger ones/out of province ones...and that it doesn't completely backfire on me!!
Sunday, September 04, 2011
Am I Procrastination Queen?
I don't think that I was the Queen of Procrastination this summer, but my manic race to the end fo summer/start of fall term seems to indicate otherwise.
I got LOADS accomplished this summer. I even made it almost all the way through without running out of money. Had I not taken these last 2 weeks off (thankful that I did to get the crap around here done) and then gone to the US for a day and spent FAR too much money would have seen me get all the way through hodge-podging on my own. But, I could seriously use an influx of cash before Friday. We'll see. I might have to ask the bank of mom. The bank of mom has been generous and amazing recently and don't want to blow my line of credit for insignificant things.
I decided without pre-planning in any way to buy a baby grand piano. In order to get the new piano to "fit", I had to re-arrange the entire studio area. Since I had to re-arrange, I decided to renovate by way of new paint, some new/change of furniture, etc. That process started August 16th. It's still going. The paint is done - touch ups now that I've scratched a few things - I think we've got all the furniture where it will stay (for a while, at least) and I've almost got the music put back in the closet and almost in order! I still need to work on the "active" music for Tracy's concert choir (need to put the music that just got delivered in a binder), the med school choir (first rehearsal is THIS Wed and first show is THIS Thurs! ACK!, and have to get a list of current students' music and pull that for easy access instead of running to the closet every lesson.
I haven't done a THING for the UU postition I accepted. Of course, they haven't given me a contract to sign either, so I guess I'm of the mind set that I didn't want to do any work until they made it official. Since we're down to less than a week, I guess I'd better get the curriculum started (should be done) even without the contract. I have a terribly feeling that will be the last thing to get done this week though! :S
I still have not finished up the taxes for 2010 or started them for 2011. That was one of the big to-dos this summer, and yet they still sit in the corner. Haunting me. *sigh*
I taught 3 days a week this summer - one out of town - plus I did readings and played a church every Sunday and taught a Tarot class Sunday nights. I think that's a pretty fair assessment of why there are so many things that didn't get done that were on my to-do list.
One thing that makes me sad (instead of anxious) is that I didn't get to visit any/many friends this summer. The schedules just didn't work together. It took 6 weeks of planning to get together with a couple of friends. It was suppossed to be more people, but schedules collided in the wrong ways. One of these days I'll have to figure out how to make time for friends otherwise, they won't be friends for long!
Anyhoos, that's about it. I'm trying to justify why I didn't get my to-do list done by adding to the list. LOL I think that, plus the fact I am wasting time typing up a blog about it does classify me as the Procrastination Queen! LOL
I got LOADS accomplished this summer. I even made it almost all the way through without running out of money. Had I not taken these last 2 weeks off (thankful that I did to get the crap around here done) and then gone to the US for a day and spent FAR too much money would have seen me get all the way through hodge-podging on my own. But, I could seriously use an influx of cash before Friday. We'll see. I might have to ask the bank of mom. The bank of mom has been generous and amazing recently and don't want to blow my line of credit for insignificant things.
I decided without pre-planning in any way to buy a baby grand piano. In order to get the new piano to "fit", I had to re-arrange the entire studio area. Since I had to re-arrange, I decided to renovate by way of new paint, some new/change of furniture, etc. That process started August 16th. It's still going. The paint is done - touch ups now that I've scratched a few things - I think we've got all the furniture where it will stay (for a while, at least) and I've almost got the music put back in the closet and almost in order! I still need to work on the "active" music for Tracy's concert choir (need to put the music that just got delivered in a binder), the med school choir (first rehearsal is THIS Wed and first show is THIS Thurs! ACK!, and have to get a list of current students' music and pull that for easy access instead of running to the closet every lesson.
I haven't done a THING for the UU postition I accepted. Of course, they haven't given me a contract to sign either, so I guess I'm of the mind set that I didn't want to do any work until they made it official. Since we're down to less than a week, I guess I'd better get the curriculum started (should be done) even without the contract. I have a terribly feeling that will be the last thing to get done this week though! :S
I still have not finished up the taxes for 2010 or started them for 2011. That was one of the big to-dos this summer, and yet they still sit in the corner. Haunting me. *sigh*
I taught 3 days a week this summer - one out of town - plus I did readings and played a church every Sunday and taught a Tarot class Sunday nights. I think that's a pretty fair assessment of why there are so many things that didn't get done that were on my to-do list.
One thing that makes me sad (instead of anxious) is that I didn't get to visit any/many friends this summer. The schedules just didn't work together. It took 6 weeks of planning to get together with a couple of friends. It was suppossed to be more people, but schedules collided in the wrong ways. One of these days I'll have to figure out how to make time for friends otherwise, they won't be friends for long!
Anyhoos, that's about it. I'm trying to justify why I didn't get my to-do list done by adding to the list. LOL I think that, plus the fact I am wasting time typing up a blog about it does classify me as the Procrastination Queen! LOL
Thursday, August 04, 2011
May to August - 3 month update
A lot has been going on, but really not a lot that can be updated - at least, not publicly LOL!
I have not really stopped working, even though I'm not teaching full time this summer. Since April I have been flat out, which is great to keep up with the ever present bills, but not so great on the constitution or brain.
I have not exercised or eaten well since April. I did really great in March. Got out walking at least an hour a day all but 2 days and ate clean. Dropped 15lbs in the month, then due to varying issues and craptastic weather in May and June, I've not been out and the weight has been creeping back on. Not back to where I started, but it's definitely disheartening. I'm just not one that enjoys exercise of any kind, so it really is tough for me to keep it up, even with validated results in a short amount of time which for most other people would only serve as more motivation. So, I started back today and walked 30 mins. Let's see if the weather and my mental state can keep the ball rolling.
Things at home haven't been great. There are a lot of family issues and strains going on the past few months in particular. I don't see them getting much easier for the next little while and that's difficult. It's difficult on many levels. Change is inevitable, but constant. What I thought was constant hasn't been. It's been an odd balancing act. Not really sure what will happen when I go back to teaching full time. I think there will be a lot of saying "No".
Just finished a successful 2 week gig as voice instructor for a professional "summer school". It's a school and not a "camp" because there is mountains of homework. I couldn't do what these kids did in 2 weeks whether I was their age and fit or my age and fat! It was INSANE! But, a great experience. New things that I can add to the resume - including teaching a couple acting classes! So that's fun!
I have to really get on the prep work for September lessons ASAP. I have to get on an email blitz to find other places to adjudicate next year. So far, I've only got 1 festival for a 2 day gig. Not enough. But, I've been far too lax for this entire year. I need to capitalize on the awesome letters of reference I got from my first two gigs!
I also need to finish off my tarot class handouts - 2 more weeks of classes to go out of the 6 week course. I need to also finish off the colours class info that I started to put together at the start of 2011. I need to start working on the curriculum for the Unitarian childrens sunday school. I need to get that finished some for August 13th and the whole thing by August 30th. Oh yes! I forgot to tell you - I've been hired as the Children's Religious Educuation Teacher (Sunday School instructor) for the Unitarian church in SJ. I think it has great possbilities - great responsibilities too as they are basically look to me to build up their congregation through the children's programme. So, got to get on that!
Also have to get on the cataloguing of my music and organizing my walk in closet/music library! That starts Friday when I have a friend and a student coming over. friend will do data entry, student will do sorting, piling and alphabetizing.
My work is truly never done and most of the above needs by August 30th will not come with pay but pay outs. ACK! So, you may not see another post by me until I'm unburied - which at this rate may be never!
Blessings to all!
I have not really stopped working, even though I'm not teaching full time this summer. Since April I have been flat out, which is great to keep up with the ever present bills, but not so great on the constitution or brain.
I have not exercised or eaten well since April. I did really great in March. Got out walking at least an hour a day all but 2 days and ate clean. Dropped 15lbs in the month, then due to varying issues and craptastic weather in May and June, I've not been out and the weight has been creeping back on. Not back to where I started, but it's definitely disheartening. I'm just not one that enjoys exercise of any kind, so it really is tough for me to keep it up, even with validated results in a short amount of time which for most other people would only serve as more motivation. So, I started back today and walked 30 mins. Let's see if the weather and my mental state can keep the ball rolling.
Things at home haven't been great. There are a lot of family issues and strains going on the past few months in particular. I don't see them getting much easier for the next little while and that's difficult. It's difficult on many levels. Change is inevitable, but constant. What I thought was constant hasn't been. It's been an odd balancing act. Not really sure what will happen when I go back to teaching full time. I think there will be a lot of saying "No".
Just finished a successful 2 week gig as voice instructor for a professional "summer school". It's a school and not a "camp" because there is mountains of homework. I couldn't do what these kids did in 2 weeks whether I was their age and fit or my age and fat! It was INSANE! But, a great experience. New things that I can add to the resume - including teaching a couple acting classes! So that's fun!
I have to really get on the prep work for September lessons ASAP. I have to get on an email blitz to find other places to adjudicate next year. So far, I've only got 1 festival for a 2 day gig. Not enough. But, I've been far too lax for this entire year. I need to capitalize on the awesome letters of reference I got from my first two gigs!
I also need to finish off my tarot class handouts - 2 more weeks of classes to go out of the 6 week course. I need to also finish off the colours class info that I started to put together at the start of 2011. I need to start working on the curriculum for the Unitarian childrens sunday school. I need to get that finished some for August 13th and the whole thing by August 30th. Oh yes! I forgot to tell you - I've been hired as the Children's Religious Educuation Teacher (Sunday School instructor) for the Unitarian church in SJ. I think it has great possbilities - great responsibilities too as they are basically look to me to build up their congregation through the children's programme. So, got to get on that!
Also have to get on the cataloguing of my music and organizing my walk in closet/music library! That starts Friday when I have a friend and a student coming over. friend will do data entry, student will do sorting, piling and alphabetizing.
My work is truly never done and most of the above needs by August 30th will not come with pay but pay outs. ACK! So, you may not see another post by me until I'm unburied - which at this rate may be never!
Blessings to all!
Sunday, May 08, 2011
disappointment
I don't think there is a more difficult emotion to overcome than disappointment. I don't find it particularly difficult to get over disappointment in something. I find it difficult to overcome disappointment in someONE. I also find it difficult to overcome disappointment in myself, but that's for another blog.
I can forgive disappointing circumstances and issues fairly easily. I'll be bummed, sure! But, if the disappointing factor is not due to one particular thing or person, then no big deal.
I do find it difficult to forgive someone if they are the sole or particular reason for disappointment or disappointing circumstances that could have been prevented.
Today, I am disappointed in a person and their apparent choices regarding a situation and person and are trying to hold them back. How do I get over that?! I have caught this person in multiple lies in the past 2 weeks and now more lies to cover them. I've confronted the person about the lies and the lies continue. So, what to do or say? I really don't know. Do I just leave it be or push it? Do I just ignore the person entirely or go on as if nothing has happened.
Not sure how to proceed or if I proceed with this person or not. We have personal and business dealings togther and this will be tough to overcome. Any ideas will be reviewed.
I can forgive disappointing circumstances and issues fairly easily. I'll be bummed, sure! But, if the disappointing factor is not due to one particular thing or person, then no big deal.
I do find it difficult to forgive someone if they are the sole or particular reason for disappointment or disappointing circumstances that could have been prevented.
Today, I am disappointed in a person and their apparent choices regarding a situation and person and are trying to hold them back. How do I get over that?! I have caught this person in multiple lies in the past 2 weeks and now more lies to cover them. I've confronted the person about the lies and the lies continue. So, what to do or say? I really don't know. Do I just leave it be or push it? Do I just ignore the person entirely or go on as if nothing has happened.
Not sure how to proceed or if I proceed with this person or not. We have personal and business dealings togther and this will be tough to overcome. Any ideas will be reviewed.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
becareful what you wish for
the saying is so true.
When I look back on the things that I have wished for, I've always gotten them, but they have never been what I expected, thought I wanted or ended up wanting at the time.
I had gone a LONG time without making wishes, or trying to obtain something for varying reasons. I told myself that it was because I didn't want to be disappointed. I made a wish about this time last year...or maybe in May of last year. It came "true" almost instantly, but the reality of the wish wouldn't be apparent until almost a year later. The wish is now coming close to full fruition and yet again, it's not what I thought, expected or hoped for. *wry smile* I should know better, and I should still be happy, but the reality is that I am not yet sure if I am still happy or not about it.
I guess I'll only know results when it is completed in full. Until then, prep & dreaming. Dreaming is different than wishing as it's the impossible. Wishes are possible.
When I look back on the things that I have wished for, I've always gotten them, but they have never been what I expected, thought I wanted or ended up wanting at the time.
I had gone a LONG time without making wishes, or trying to obtain something for varying reasons. I told myself that it was because I didn't want to be disappointed. I made a wish about this time last year...or maybe in May of last year. It came "true" almost instantly, but the reality of the wish wouldn't be apparent until almost a year later. The wish is now coming close to full fruition and yet again, it's not what I thought, expected or hoped for. *wry smile* I should know better, and I should still be happy, but the reality is that I am not yet sure if I am still happy or not about it.
I guess I'll only know results when it is completed in full. Until then, prep & dreaming. Dreaming is different than wishing as it's the impossible. Wishes are possible.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
don't know why
don't know why I stopped working out. 7 years ago, I started working out to loose weight after the accident. I woudl get up at 8am and be out the door by 8:15am and go for a 45minute to 1hour walk. I got with a lifestyle coach, walked, worked out with an exercise ball, never did join a gym, stopped drinking pop and eating refined sugar. I started slow and then worked my way up to 2 hour long walks per day morning and night, plus a half hour of isometric work with the ball and eating basically white meat and veggies. I started on April 4, 2004. By July 1st 2004 I had lost 40lbs. I never really liked working out, but I was getting results I REALLY liked. So, I'm not really sure why I stopped. I met a guy and married him. He started spoiling me - eating out, bringing home treats and didn't care what I weighed. I packed on the 40lbs again and kept on going. On March 7th, I was 80lbs heavier than I was when I met Van. That's like carrying around a 12 year old all the time.
So, when the snow finally (mostly) melted, I started walking again. It has been 10 days. I have lost 10lbs. Not a bad start, considering I haven't made a drastic change to the exercising like I did last time. I do minimal to no isometric exercises and only made it up to an hour long walk the past 3 days. yesterday I started doing some interval prints on Thornbrough. Today, I did 2 interval sprints on Thornbrough and 1 on Mount Pleasant. I hope to do the 2 on Thornbrough tomorrow and add another one on Mount Pleasant. I think it's coming off faster this time because I have even mroe to come off. I don't know. I know that it has gone from 0 to 90 out of a hundred for me in only a coupel of days. I am obsessed with getting up and going out for a walk in the morning. I didn't get up early enough on Sunday to get one in before church and I was an absolute bitch for the whole day. I finally took off around 6:30pm and did only a half hour, but super intensive walk with 3 major hills.
I am now obsessed with a couple of goals. I want to run the entire length of thornbrough by April 8th. I want to loose another 10lbs by April 9th, so I can say I lost 20lbs before my first adjudication gig. That was my goal back in November - lose 20lbs and did absolutely NOTHING toward the goal until March 21st. I am obsessed with making 20lbs in 3 weeks. The lifestyle coach last time said rule of thumb is 10lbs = 1 size in clothing. So far, she's quite right. My 5X shirts are more than baggy and my 4X shirts are starting to get baggy too. The pants are falling off in the 22s that I had been tight in January. The 20 Canadians are just right. The 18 Americans are just right to loose, depending on how much I sit.
I have been tryign to eat better - more veggies and less refined sugars. Today I had major gastro-intestinal issues, which I had the last time I got on one of these kicks. Should be interesting to see how that settles itself out or if it does because that was a problem the whole time last time.
So, I realize that this will not be easy to keep up over the month of festivals - the 2 that I am adjudicating at as well as the 2 week long one here because when you are away from home, you eat out. The festivals that are paying for my room also want me to eat at the hotel restaurant and charge it to the room, which they will then pay. That's not exactly healthy. So, we'll see. I'm hoping that I will at least be able to get in 1 good walk a day while away, even if I have to wake up way too early to be human. :)
So far, I'm enjoying my exercise time. That's a first. We'll see if it lasts. All I know is that I have to do something and I have to do it now. I should have done it before, but 80lbs from where I was and I wasn't happy then with the weight, but at least it was on the right side of the 200.
So, when the snow finally (mostly) melted, I started walking again. It has been 10 days. I have lost 10lbs. Not a bad start, considering I haven't made a drastic change to the exercising like I did last time. I do minimal to no isometric exercises and only made it up to an hour long walk the past 3 days. yesterday I started doing some interval prints on Thornbrough. Today, I did 2 interval sprints on Thornbrough and 1 on Mount Pleasant. I hope to do the 2 on Thornbrough tomorrow and add another one on Mount Pleasant. I think it's coming off faster this time because I have even mroe to come off. I don't know. I know that it has gone from 0 to 90 out of a hundred for me in only a coupel of days. I am obsessed with getting up and going out for a walk in the morning. I didn't get up early enough on Sunday to get one in before church and I was an absolute bitch for the whole day. I finally took off around 6:30pm and did only a half hour, but super intensive walk with 3 major hills.
I am now obsessed with a couple of goals. I want to run the entire length of thornbrough by April 8th. I want to loose another 10lbs by April 9th, so I can say I lost 20lbs before my first adjudication gig. That was my goal back in November - lose 20lbs and did absolutely NOTHING toward the goal until March 21st. I am obsessed with making 20lbs in 3 weeks. The lifestyle coach last time said rule of thumb is 10lbs = 1 size in clothing. So far, she's quite right. My 5X shirts are more than baggy and my 4X shirts are starting to get baggy too. The pants are falling off in the 22s that I had been tight in January. The 20 Canadians are just right. The 18 Americans are just right to loose, depending on how much I sit.
I have been tryign to eat better - more veggies and less refined sugars. Today I had major gastro-intestinal issues, which I had the last time I got on one of these kicks. Should be interesting to see how that settles itself out or if it does because that was a problem the whole time last time.
So, I realize that this will not be easy to keep up over the month of festivals - the 2 that I am adjudicating at as well as the 2 week long one here because when you are away from home, you eat out. The festivals that are paying for my room also want me to eat at the hotel restaurant and charge it to the room, which they will then pay. That's not exactly healthy. So, we'll see. I'm hoping that I will at least be able to get in 1 good walk a day while away, even if I have to wake up way too early to be human. :)
So far, I'm enjoying my exercise time. That's a first. We'll see if it lasts. All I know is that I have to do something and I have to do it now. I should have done it before, but 80lbs from where I was and I wasn't happy then with the weight, but at least it was on the right side of the 200.
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
if you don't have anything nice to say...
don't say anything at all.
I've gone so long without posting because of the above principle.
Today, I just can't not sit and complain and bitch, moan and whine. Don't say you weren't warned if you choose to continue on in this post.
***
I have had it with my life. Absolutely had it. I am truly ready to throw in the towel and start again.
I am tired. I also know this is just the start of it.
I am self-employed. No Pension, no benefits, no medical coverage, no sick time, no paid vacation time.
I have a husband who because of his health problems can not work.
I have to work enough for two people. That gets tiring, especially around this time of year when all a human really wants to do is turn in to a bear and hibernate until the snow and cold are all gone. I haven't even shoveled half as much as I normally would due to a surgery at the start of January and yet, I am SO over shovelling and snow.
I had a major crisis on my hands earlier today when starting to organize my 2010 tax claim. Couldn't find much needed and specific paperwork. After tearing the place apart and wasting much time, the specific items were found in my husband's backpack. Not the safest place to say the least, but they were taken to the government to show as proof of income back in October. Serves me right for taking too long to get to organizing my claim.
So, after a complete melt-down crying spell over lost logs, a complete melt-down crying spell over the snowmageddon storm part 4 we are having today, I am having a melt-down crying spell over the realization that I am making about $18,000 LESS than I was 10 years ago, but it's not just me that is living off that money. I'm living off of $18k less per year and keeping a husband. I'm paying on and trying to keep up a home in my name instead of an apartment. I am paying healt & lights (1 bill), water & sewage, property taxes, home insurance and much more that I didn't have to pay when renting an apartment. I have an 8 year old vehicle instead of a brand new that I got in 2000 and it's going to cost me mega bucks to get it past inspecition this month. The cost of living is going up exponentially (i.e. milk is going up 5 cents a litre this week) and has gone up exponentially in the past 10 years, yet my income has decreased by...lots and my baggage and responsibilities have gone up what seems like 3000%!
So, yeah. Can I just re-format my life back to 10 years ago? I was happier then. This life aboslutely sucks the life out of me.
I've gone so long without posting because of the above principle.
Today, I just can't not sit and complain and bitch, moan and whine. Don't say you weren't warned if you choose to continue on in this post.
***
I have had it with my life. Absolutely had it. I am truly ready to throw in the towel and start again.
I am tired. I also know this is just the start of it.
I am self-employed. No Pension, no benefits, no medical coverage, no sick time, no paid vacation time.
I have a husband who because of his health problems can not work.
I have to work enough for two people. That gets tiring, especially around this time of year when all a human really wants to do is turn in to a bear and hibernate until the snow and cold are all gone. I haven't even shoveled half as much as I normally would due to a surgery at the start of January and yet, I am SO over shovelling and snow.
I had a major crisis on my hands earlier today when starting to organize my 2010 tax claim. Couldn't find much needed and specific paperwork. After tearing the place apart and wasting much time, the specific items were found in my husband's backpack. Not the safest place to say the least, but they were taken to the government to show as proof of income back in October. Serves me right for taking too long to get to organizing my claim.
So, after a complete melt-down crying spell over lost logs, a complete melt-down crying spell over the snowmageddon storm part 4 we are having today, I am having a melt-down crying spell over the realization that I am making about $18,000 LESS than I was 10 years ago, but it's not just me that is living off that money. I'm living off of $18k less per year and keeping a husband. I'm paying on and trying to keep up a home in my name instead of an apartment. I am paying healt & lights (1 bill), water & sewage, property taxes, home insurance and much more that I didn't have to pay when renting an apartment. I have an 8 year old vehicle instead of a brand new that I got in 2000 and it's going to cost me mega bucks to get it past inspecition this month. The cost of living is going up exponentially (i.e. milk is going up 5 cents a litre this week) and has gone up exponentially in the past 10 years, yet my income has decreased by...lots and my baggage and responsibilities have gone up what seems like 3000%!
So, yeah. Can I just re-format my life back to 10 years ago? I was happier then. This life aboslutely sucks the life out of me.
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