Last night and this morning I opened my email to some news that absolutely THRILLED me. I had been corresponding with a festival in the northern part of the province about coming up to adjudicate in the spring. The timing was a bit tricky though as i was already booked for the other dates that they had originally wanted. I told them the dates I would be available, but it would have meant that I was away for 3 weeks straight adjudicating.
They came back to me last night with alternative dates completely...in MARCH! So, it looks like my festivalling for 2012 will start in March and go through until May! It actually makes for a slightly better schedule for me overall though as it will be one week away, one week home over a 6 week period of time and that I won't miss so large of a chunk with my students before their festival time.
It also meant that by being able to do it, I have 3 festivals this year - 2 solely for voice and choral and this last one will be voice and piano! The national governing body for adjudicating will not even look at you before you have 3 festivals under your belt in your genre. I had given myself a goal of 3 festivals per instrument in 3 years. This newest adjudication booking means that I will have 3 piano adjudications and 3 voice adjudications in 2 years and I should be able to apply for my national status come May!!
I'm ELATED and hopeful that all will go well!
Then, this morning I get an email from the organizer of vocal competition being held in Sackville. The competition is only for teachers who have a special designation in the Maritime provinces. The majority of them are professors of voice at universities, but I was granted my designation in May of this year thanks to working closely with an american prof the past couple of summers. I was fully intending to go up and watch and learn from the other teachers from all the provinces as well as the adjudications, but they needed another adjudicator and asked if I would sit at the table with one of the profs whom I have thankfully met before, but not works with before. She and I will be adjudicating the high school categories which will be both classical and musical theatre genres. Slightly intimidating since I technically haven't adjudicated voice before, but I am thrilled that they are willing to take a chance on someone whom they've not met, not worked with and really don't know. I hope to do them proud even though it's something that I have to be on the road around 5:3-am for and I am SO not a morning person! ROFL!! That's the part that should be interesting!!
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Passive-Agressive vs Passive vs Agressive
I used to be an agressive personality. I admitted it. I owned it. After living the "corporate life" and by most every one's accounts taking a nervous breakdown trying to become less agressive while dealing with passive and passive-agressive personalities, I have come to the realization in the past few weeks that I have become passive-aggressive myself. Due to this - specifically the inability to say no, or suffer inappropriate amounts of guilt, I have really painted myself in to a corner with regards to scheduling. I have done nothing but seethe about it to myself, at myself, etc.
After the breakdown, I became passive. Completely happy to let others make my decisions, said nothing to anyone, didn't want to fight for fear of hurting someone by what I did or said. Times have changed and so has my life's responsibilities and work. I have come to realize that I have not dealt with the transition well. In the process of transition I have become passive-aggressive. I never say no, paste a smile on my face, ry not to argue with anyone about anything so that I don't hurt anyone and yet in the process I hurt myself and then get mad at myself and then fume and fester.
I think (I hope) that tonight may be a turning point from this passive-aggressive point. I don't want to be back to full aggressive, but I hope to be less passive. I hope that I will not allow myself to feel guilt if I say no. I hope that I will remember tonight's trigger...something my mother said to me. She said that if I have something to say to just say it. She raised me to speak my mind whether someone else liked it or not. I had forgotten that. I had put everyone else's wants and needs ahead of mine. I hope that I can walk that fine line a little better going forward. I can fix the corner I painted myself in to, but I can't have to make it any tighter of a corner than it is going forward and perhaps I can stop the self-flogging over it!
Either way, the only person who has complete say over me is me and I have to remember that too!
After the breakdown, I became passive. Completely happy to let others make my decisions, said nothing to anyone, didn't want to fight for fear of hurting someone by what I did or said. Times have changed and so has my life's responsibilities and work. I have come to realize that I have not dealt with the transition well. In the process of transition I have become passive-aggressive. I never say no, paste a smile on my face, ry not to argue with anyone about anything so that I don't hurt anyone and yet in the process I hurt myself and then get mad at myself and then fume and fester.
I think (I hope) that tonight may be a turning point from this passive-aggressive point. I don't want to be back to full aggressive, but I hope to be less passive. I hope that I will not allow myself to feel guilt if I say no. I hope that I will remember tonight's trigger...something my mother said to me. She said that if I have something to say to just say it. She raised me to speak my mind whether someone else liked it or not. I had forgotten that. I had put everyone else's wants and needs ahead of mine. I hope that I can walk that fine line a little better going forward. I can fix the corner I painted myself in to, but I can't have to make it any tighter of a corner than it is going forward and perhaps I can stop the self-flogging over it!
Either way, the only person who has complete say over me is me and I have to remember that too!
Monday, October 17, 2011
waiting of a different kind
We finally got the call we have been waiting for - my hubby is on the double transplant list and is eligible for both pancreas & kidney. This is scary and exciting all at the same time for different reasons and in different ways.
He is quite excited by it all. He has the potential, if the right donor is found to be freed of all kidney and diabetic issues (in theory) for at least a little while. There are potential pitfalls, as with any major surgeries. One being the pancreas itself is a very delicate organ and doesn't transplant well. 1 in 5 or 6 fail. It is a very porous and veinous organ so many difficulties getting it attached and working. The other issue with the pancreas is where it is located and the type of surgery. They have only done 2 double transplants in our area in the past 12 months and neither one have been successful.
The other scary thing is that kidney transplants generally take a few days in hospital and a few days in the step down unit, a few days of observation post surgery and they are home in a week to 10 days. Pancreas transplants are so tricky and delicate that they have ever only had one person in hospital for less than 3 months post-op. The longest was a year. Average is 6 months in hospital after the surgery. Now THAT's scary. For varying reasons. The first one is that hubby doesn't do well with hospitals. Who does, really? The second is that I am self-employed and if I don't work, I don't get paid and neither do the bills, so it is very doubtful that I will be able to be at the hospital with him for more than a week or two. So, it scares me that he could be in a place he despises, alone for at least 6 months. That's not potential to break someone's spirit or marriage or anything! There will be some relatives of his in the area who can visit, but they aren't the most mobile either, so there will be a lot of alone time which is difficult on the head and heart.
We now have a lot of planning to do. We have to plan now for the good and the bad. We have to plan to pay for the post-transplant medications (for life), which we are hopeful the provincial government will agree to pay for. We're not sure of that though, so if they won't, we have to find ways to cover a few grand in medications a month as these are not optional medications. We have to plan for travel expenses, cost of living in Halifax for when he is discharged from the hospital as he can't come right home afterward. We have to plan for if things go badly what he wants for a funeral and how to pay for that. So far, the only thing I can figure is that we have a lot of financial planning to do without a lot of finances to plan with.
So, now I plan fundraisers. While I don't want my family to hold all the burden of helping me with this, it is what it is and I use what resources I have available. Right now, that is family. I'm thinking a concert with an auction to start the fundraising off. Then a CD, but that will cost $1100 - 1500 to produce, so not really a big gain there if you have to fork it out on production costs.
I also have to plan on finding constant and consistent work over the summer. Not teaching full time isn't an option this year as I am just making the expenses as it is. So, I will wait and see what comes available after adjudicating in April. One part of me hopes that the transplant happens in the summer when I technically have 3 months off, but I can't really take 3 months off or we'd be on welfare.
I also just realized that we are for lack of a better term, grounded. He can't leave the Atlantic provinces, or he has to go on hold on the transplant list. That rather sucks. Not that we have the finances to take a vacation mind you, but now that you know you can't, that's what you really want to do.
Oh the mind plays such nasty tricks on you when figuring things like this out.
Should be an interesting time. Could be a short time or a long time, but at least there is a period of time where we are productively waiting.
He is quite excited by it all. He has the potential, if the right donor is found to be freed of all kidney and diabetic issues (in theory) for at least a little while. There are potential pitfalls, as with any major surgeries. One being the pancreas itself is a very delicate organ and doesn't transplant well. 1 in 5 or 6 fail. It is a very porous and veinous organ so many difficulties getting it attached and working. The other issue with the pancreas is where it is located and the type of surgery. They have only done 2 double transplants in our area in the past 12 months and neither one have been successful.
The other scary thing is that kidney transplants generally take a few days in hospital and a few days in the step down unit, a few days of observation post surgery and they are home in a week to 10 days. Pancreas transplants are so tricky and delicate that they have ever only had one person in hospital for less than 3 months post-op. The longest was a year. Average is 6 months in hospital after the surgery. Now THAT's scary. For varying reasons. The first one is that hubby doesn't do well with hospitals. Who does, really? The second is that I am self-employed and if I don't work, I don't get paid and neither do the bills, so it is very doubtful that I will be able to be at the hospital with him for more than a week or two. So, it scares me that he could be in a place he despises, alone for at least 6 months. That's not potential to break someone's spirit or marriage or anything! There will be some relatives of his in the area who can visit, but they aren't the most mobile either, so there will be a lot of alone time which is difficult on the head and heart.
We now have a lot of planning to do. We have to plan now for the good and the bad. We have to plan to pay for the post-transplant medications (for life), which we are hopeful the provincial government will agree to pay for. We're not sure of that though, so if they won't, we have to find ways to cover a few grand in medications a month as these are not optional medications. We have to plan for travel expenses, cost of living in Halifax for when he is discharged from the hospital as he can't come right home afterward. We have to plan for if things go badly what he wants for a funeral and how to pay for that. So far, the only thing I can figure is that we have a lot of financial planning to do without a lot of finances to plan with.
So, now I plan fundraisers. While I don't want my family to hold all the burden of helping me with this, it is what it is and I use what resources I have available. Right now, that is family. I'm thinking a concert with an auction to start the fundraising off. Then a CD, but that will cost $1100 - 1500 to produce, so not really a big gain there if you have to fork it out on production costs.
I also have to plan on finding constant and consistent work over the summer. Not teaching full time isn't an option this year as I am just making the expenses as it is. So, I will wait and see what comes available after adjudicating in April. One part of me hopes that the transplant happens in the summer when I technically have 3 months off, but I can't really take 3 months off or we'd be on welfare.
I also just realized that we are for lack of a better term, grounded. He can't leave the Atlantic provinces, or he has to go on hold on the transplant list. That rather sucks. Not that we have the finances to take a vacation mind you, but now that you know you can't, that's what you really want to do.
Oh the mind plays such nasty tricks on you when figuring things like this out.
Should be an interesting time. Could be a short time or a long time, but at least there is a period of time where we are productively waiting.
Monday, September 05, 2011
I'm just a girl who can't say no!
So...um...yeah...normally not saying no is a bad thing. Then again, this might turn out badly on a few different levels, but I just couldn't say no to this opportunity.
I was invited to adjudicate a "medium to large" festival (almost the same size as ours). I was invited to adjudicate their senior voice, school & community choirs!! I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to go to a larger festival!
This could be bad since it is the SAME WEEK as our local festival. That's ok. I had sent an email out to the parents that I probably wouldn't be putting people in this year's festival anyway! LOL!! But, I will be leaving another teacher without an accompanist. *shrugs* This year, there were 3 full time accompanists to serve all the kids. This year, I'll be away & another has a full time day & night gig that week, so that leaves 1 accompanist. I'll take losing funds to gain the experience.
Here's hoping it's a spring board for the bigger ones/out of province ones...and that it doesn't completely backfire on me!!
I was invited to adjudicate a "medium to large" festival (almost the same size as ours). I was invited to adjudicate their senior voice, school & community choirs!! I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to go to a larger festival!
This could be bad since it is the SAME WEEK as our local festival. That's ok. I had sent an email out to the parents that I probably wouldn't be putting people in this year's festival anyway! LOL!! But, I will be leaving another teacher without an accompanist. *shrugs* This year, there were 3 full time accompanists to serve all the kids. This year, I'll be away & another has a full time day & night gig that week, so that leaves 1 accompanist. I'll take losing funds to gain the experience.
Here's hoping it's a spring board for the bigger ones/out of province ones...and that it doesn't completely backfire on me!!
Sunday, September 04, 2011
Am I Procrastination Queen?
I don't think that I was the Queen of Procrastination this summer, but my manic race to the end fo summer/start of fall term seems to indicate otherwise.
I got LOADS accomplished this summer. I even made it almost all the way through without running out of money. Had I not taken these last 2 weeks off (thankful that I did to get the crap around here done) and then gone to the US for a day and spent FAR too much money would have seen me get all the way through hodge-podging on my own. But, I could seriously use an influx of cash before Friday. We'll see. I might have to ask the bank of mom. The bank of mom has been generous and amazing recently and don't want to blow my line of credit for insignificant things.
I decided without pre-planning in any way to buy a baby grand piano. In order to get the new piano to "fit", I had to re-arrange the entire studio area. Since I had to re-arrange, I decided to renovate by way of new paint, some new/change of furniture, etc. That process started August 16th. It's still going. The paint is done - touch ups now that I've scratched a few things - I think we've got all the furniture where it will stay (for a while, at least) and I've almost got the music put back in the closet and almost in order! I still need to work on the "active" music for Tracy's concert choir (need to put the music that just got delivered in a binder), the med school choir (first rehearsal is THIS Wed and first show is THIS Thurs! ACK!, and have to get a list of current students' music and pull that for easy access instead of running to the closet every lesson.
I haven't done a THING for the UU postition I accepted. Of course, they haven't given me a contract to sign either, so I guess I'm of the mind set that I didn't want to do any work until they made it official. Since we're down to less than a week, I guess I'd better get the curriculum started (should be done) even without the contract. I have a terribly feeling that will be the last thing to get done this week though! :S
I still have not finished up the taxes for 2010 or started them for 2011. That was one of the big to-dos this summer, and yet they still sit in the corner. Haunting me. *sigh*
I taught 3 days a week this summer - one out of town - plus I did readings and played a church every Sunday and taught a Tarot class Sunday nights. I think that's a pretty fair assessment of why there are so many things that didn't get done that were on my to-do list.
One thing that makes me sad (instead of anxious) is that I didn't get to visit any/many friends this summer. The schedules just didn't work together. It took 6 weeks of planning to get together with a couple of friends. It was suppossed to be more people, but schedules collided in the wrong ways. One of these days I'll have to figure out how to make time for friends otherwise, they won't be friends for long!
Anyhoos, that's about it. I'm trying to justify why I didn't get my to-do list done by adding to the list. LOL I think that, plus the fact I am wasting time typing up a blog about it does classify me as the Procrastination Queen! LOL
I got LOADS accomplished this summer. I even made it almost all the way through without running out of money. Had I not taken these last 2 weeks off (thankful that I did to get the crap around here done) and then gone to the US for a day and spent FAR too much money would have seen me get all the way through hodge-podging on my own. But, I could seriously use an influx of cash before Friday. We'll see. I might have to ask the bank of mom. The bank of mom has been generous and amazing recently and don't want to blow my line of credit for insignificant things.
I decided without pre-planning in any way to buy a baby grand piano. In order to get the new piano to "fit", I had to re-arrange the entire studio area. Since I had to re-arrange, I decided to renovate by way of new paint, some new/change of furniture, etc. That process started August 16th. It's still going. The paint is done - touch ups now that I've scratched a few things - I think we've got all the furniture where it will stay (for a while, at least) and I've almost got the music put back in the closet and almost in order! I still need to work on the "active" music for Tracy's concert choir (need to put the music that just got delivered in a binder), the med school choir (first rehearsal is THIS Wed and first show is THIS Thurs! ACK!, and have to get a list of current students' music and pull that for easy access instead of running to the closet every lesson.
I haven't done a THING for the UU postition I accepted. Of course, they haven't given me a contract to sign either, so I guess I'm of the mind set that I didn't want to do any work until they made it official. Since we're down to less than a week, I guess I'd better get the curriculum started (should be done) even without the contract. I have a terribly feeling that will be the last thing to get done this week though! :S
I still have not finished up the taxes for 2010 or started them for 2011. That was one of the big to-dos this summer, and yet they still sit in the corner. Haunting me. *sigh*
I taught 3 days a week this summer - one out of town - plus I did readings and played a church every Sunday and taught a Tarot class Sunday nights. I think that's a pretty fair assessment of why there are so many things that didn't get done that were on my to-do list.
One thing that makes me sad (instead of anxious) is that I didn't get to visit any/many friends this summer. The schedules just didn't work together. It took 6 weeks of planning to get together with a couple of friends. It was suppossed to be more people, but schedules collided in the wrong ways. One of these days I'll have to figure out how to make time for friends otherwise, they won't be friends for long!
Anyhoos, that's about it. I'm trying to justify why I didn't get my to-do list done by adding to the list. LOL I think that, plus the fact I am wasting time typing up a blog about it does classify me as the Procrastination Queen! LOL
Thursday, August 04, 2011
May to August - 3 month update
A lot has been going on, but really not a lot that can be updated - at least, not publicly LOL!
I have not really stopped working, even though I'm not teaching full time this summer. Since April I have been flat out, which is great to keep up with the ever present bills, but not so great on the constitution or brain.
I have not exercised or eaten well since April. I did really great in March. Got out walking at least an hour a day all but 2 days and ate clean. Dropped 15lbs in the month, then due to varying issues and craptastic weather in May and June, I've not been out and the weight has been creeping back on. Not back to where I started, but it's definitely disheartening. I'm just not one that enjoys exercise of any kind, so it really is tough for me to keep it up, even with validated results in a short amount of time which for most other people would only serve as more motivation. So, I started back today and walked 30 mins. Let's see if the weather and my mental state can keep the ball rolling.
Things at home haven't been great. There are a lot of family issues and strains going on the past few months in particular. I don't see them getting much easier for the next little while and that's difficult. It's difficult on many levels. Change is inevitable, but constant. What I thought was constant hasn't been. It's been an odd balancing act. Not really sure what will happen when I go back to teaching full time. I think there will be a lot of saying "No".
Just finished a successful 2 week gig as voice instructor for a professional "summer school". It's a school and not a "camp" because there is mountains of homework. I couldn't do what these kids did in 2 weeks whether I was their age and fit or my age and fat! It was INSANE! But, a great experience. New things that I can add to the resume - including teaching a couple acting classes! So that's fun!
I have to really get on the prep work for September lessons ASAP. I have to get on an email blitz to find other places to adjudicate next year. So far, I've only got 1 festival for a 2 day gig. Not enough. But, I've been far too lax for this entire year. I need to capitalize on the awesome letters of reference I got from my first two gigs!
I also need to finish off my tarot class handouts - 2 more weeks of classes to go out of the 6 week course. I need to also finish off the colours class info that I started to put together at the start of 2011. I need to start working on the curriculum for the Unitarian childrens sunday school. I need to get that finished some for August 13th and the whole thing by August 30th. Oh yes! I forgot to tell you - I've been hired as the Children's Religious Educuation Teacher (Sunday School instructor) for the Unitarian church in SJ. I think it has great possbilities - great responsibilities too as they are basically look to me to build up their congregation through the children's programme. So, got to get on that!
Also have to get on the cataloguing of my music and organizing my walk in closet/music library! That starts Friday when I have a friend and a student coming over. friend will do data entry, student will do sorting, piling and alphabetizing.
My work is truly never done and most of the above needs by August 30th will not come with pay but pay outs. ACK! So, you may not see another post by me until I'm unburied - which at this rate may be never!
Blessings to all!
I have not really stopped working, even though I'm not teaching full time this summer. Since April I have been flat out, which is great to keep up with the ever present bills, but not so great on the constitution or brain.
I have not exercised or eaten well since April. I did really great in March. Got out walking at least an hour a day all but 2 days and ate clean. Dropped 15lbs in the month, then due to varying issues and craptastic weather in May and June, I've not been out and the weight has been creeping back on. Not back to where I started, but it's definitely disheartening. I'm just not one that enjoys exercise of any kind, so it really is tough for me to keep it up, even with validated results in a short amount of time which for most other people would only serve as more motivation. So, I started back today and walked 30 mins. Let's see if the weather and my mental state can keep the ball rolling.
Things at home haven't been great. There are a lot of family issues and strains going on the past few months in particular. I don't see them getting much easier for the next little while and that's difficult. It's difficult on many levels. Change is inevitable, but constant. What I thought was constant hasn't been. It's been an odd balancing act. Not really sure what will happen when I go back to teaching full time. I think there will be a lot of saying "No".
Just finished a successful 2 week gig as voice instructor for a professional "summer school". It's a school and not a "camp" because there is mountains of homework. I couldn't do what these kids did in 2 weeks whether I was their age and fit or my age and fat! It was INSANE! But, a great experience. New things that I can add to the resume - including teaching a couple acting classes! So that's fun!
I have to really get on the prep work for September lessons ASAP. I have to get on an email blitz to find other places to adjudicate next year. So far, I've only got 1 festival for a 2 day gig. Not enough. But, I've been far too lax for this entire year. I need to capitalize on the awesome letters of reference I got from my first two gigs!
I also need to finish off my tarot class handouts - 2 more weeks of classes to go out of the 6 week course. I need to also finish off the colours class info that I started to put together at the start of 2011. I need to start working on the curriculum for the Unitarian childrens sunday school. I need to get that finished some for August 13th and the whole thing by August 30th. Oh yes! I forgot to tell you - I've been hired as the Children's Religious Educuation Teacher (Sunday School instructor) for the Unitarian church in SJ. I think it has great possbilities - great responsibilities too as they are basically look to me to build up their congregation through the children's programme. So, got to get on that!
Also have to get on the cataloguing of my music and organizing my walk in closet/music library! That starts Friday when I have a friend and a student coming over. friend will do data entry, student will do sorting, piling and alphabetizing.
My work is truly never done and most of the above needs by August 30th will not come with pay but pay outs. ACK! So, you may not see another post by me until I'm unburied - which at this rate may be never!
Blessings to all!
Sunday, May 08, 2011
disappointment
I don't think there is a more difficult emotion to overcome than disappointment. I don't find it particularly difficult to get over disappointment in something. I find it difficult to overcome disappointment in someONE. I also find it difficult to overcome disappointment in myself, but that's for another blog.
I can forgive disappointing circumstances and issues fairly easily. I'll be bummed, sure! But, if the disappointing factor is not due to one particular thing or person, then no big deal.
I do find it difficult to forgive someone if they are the sole or particular reason for disappointment or disappointing circumstances that could have been prevented.
Today, I am disappointed in a person and their apparent choices regarding a situation and person and are trying to hold them back. How do I get over that?! I have caught this person in multiple lies in the past 2 weeks and now more lies to cover them. I've confronted the person about the lies and the lies continue. So, what to do or say? I really don't know. Do I just leave it be or push it? Do I just ignore the person entirely or go on as if nothing has happened.
Not sure how to proceed or if I proceed with this person or not. We have personal and business dealings togther and this will be tough to overcome. Any ideas will be reviewed.
I can forgive disappointing circumstances and issues fairly easily. I'll be bummed, sure! But, if the disappointing factor is not due to one particular thing or person, then no big deal.
I do find it difficult to forgive someone if they are the sole or particular reason for disappointment or disappointing circumstances that could have been prevented.
Today, I am disappointed in a person and their apparent choices regarding a situation and person and are trying to hold them back. How do I get over that?! I have caught this person in multiple lies in the past 2 weeks and now more lies to cover them. I've confronted the person about the lies and the lies continue. So, what to do or say? I really don't know. Do I just leave it be or push it? Do I just ignore the person entirely or go on as if nothing has happened.
Not sure how to proceed or if I proceed with this person or not. We have personal and business dealings togther and this will be tough to overcome. Any ideas will be reviewed.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
becareful what you wish for
the saying is so true.
When I look back on the things that I have wished for, I've always gotten them, but they have never been what I expected, thought I wanted or ended up wanting at the time.
I had gone a LONG time without making wishes, or trying to obtain something for varying reasons. I told myself that it was because I didn't want to be disappointed. I made a wish about this time last year...or maybe in May of last year. It came "true" almost instantly, but the reality of the wish wouldn't be apparent until almost a year later. The wish is now coming close to full fruition and yet again, it's not what I thought, expected or hoped for. *wry smile* I should know better, and I should still be happy, but the reality is that I am not yet sure if I am still happy or not about it.
I guess I'll only know results when it is completed in full. Until then, prep & dreaming. Dreaming is different than wishing as it's the impossible. Wishes are possible.
When I look back on the things that I have wished for, I've always gotten them, but they have never been what I expected, thought I wanted or ended up wanting at the time.
I had gone a LONG time without making wishes, or trying to obtain something for varying reasons. I told myself that it was because I didn't want to be disappointed. I made a wish about this time last year...or maybe in May of last year. It came "true" almost instantly, but the reality of the wish wouldn't be apparent until almost a year later. The wish is now coming close to full fruition and yet again, it's not what I thought, expected or hoped for. *wry smile* I should know better, and I should still be happy, but the reality is that I am not yet sure if I am still happy or not about it.
I guess I'll only know results when it is completed in full. Until then, prep & dreaming. Dreaming is different than wishing as it's the impossible. Wishes are possible.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
don't know why
don't know why I stopped working out. 7 years ago, I started working out to loose weight after the accident. I woudl get up at 8am and be out the door by 8:15am and go for a 45minute to 1hour walk. I got with a lifestyle coach, walked, worked out with an exercise ball, never did join a gym, stopped drinking pop and eating refined sugar. I started slow and then worked my way up to 2 hour long walks per day morning and night, plus a half hour of isometric work with the ball and eating basically white meat and veggies. I started on April 4, 2004. By July 1st 2004 I had lost 40lbs. I never really liked working out, but I was getting results I REALLY liked. So, I'm not really sure why I stopped. I met a guy and married him. He started spoiling me - eating out, bringing home treats and didn't care what I weighed. I packed on the 40lbs again and kept on going. On March 7th, I was 80lbs heavier than I was when I met Van. That's like carrying around a 12 year old all the time.
So, when the snow finally (mostly) melted, I started walking again. It has been 10 days. I have lost 10lbs. Not a bad start, considering I haven't made a drastic change to the exercising like I did last time. I do minimal to no isometric exercises and only made it up to an hour long walk the past 3 days. yesterday I started doing some interval prints on Thornbrough. Today, I did 2 interval sprints on Thornbrough and 1 on Mount Pleasant. I hope to do the 2 on Thornbrough tomorrow and add another one on Mount Pleasant. I think it's coming off faster this time because I have even mroe to come off. I don't know. I know that it has gone from 0 to 90 out of a hundred for me in only a coupel of days. I am obsessed with getting up and going out for a walk in the morning. I didn't get up early enough on Sunday to get one in before church and I was an absolute bitch for the whole day. I finally took off around 6:30pm and did only a half hour, but super intensive walk with 3 major hills.
I am now obsessed with a couple of goals. I want to run the entire length of thornbrough by April 8th. I want to loose another 10lbs by April 9th, so I can say I lost 20lbs before my first adjudication gig. That was my goal back in November - lose 20lbs and did absolutely NOTHING toward the goal until March 21st. I am obsessed with making 20lbs in 3 weeks. The lifestyle coach last time said rule of thumb is 10lbs = 1 size in clothing. So far, she's quite right. My 5X shirts are more than baggy and my 4X shirts are starting to get baggy too. The pants are falling off in the 22s that I had been tight in January. The 20 Canadians are just right. The 18 Americans are just right to loose, depending on how much I sit.
I have been tryign to eat better - more veggies and less refined sugars. Today I had major gastro-intestinal issues, which I had the last time I got on one of these kicks. Should be interesting to see how that settles itself out or if it does because that was a problem the whole time last time.
So, I realize that this will not be easy to keep up over the month of festivals - the 2 that I am adjudicating at as well as the 2 week long one here because when you are away from home, you eat out. The festivals that are paying for my room also want me to eat at the hotel restaurant and charge it to the room, which they will then pay. That's not exactly healthy. So, we'll see. I'm hoping that I will at least be able to get in 1 good walk a day while away, even if I have to wake up way too early to be human. :)
So far, I'm enjoying my exercise time. That's a first. We'll see if it lasts. All I know is that I have to do something and I have to do it now. I should have done it before, but 80lbs from where I was and I wasn't happy then with the weight, but at least it was on the right side of the 200.
So, when the snow finally (mostly) melted, I started walking again. It has been 10 days. I have lost 10lbs. Not a bad start, considering I haven't made a drastic change to the exercising like I did last time. I do minimal to no isometric exercises and only made it up to an hour long walk the past 3 days. yesterday I started doing some interval prints on Thornbrough. Today, I did 2 interval sprints on Thornbrough and 1 on Mount Pleasant. I hope to do the 2 on Thornbrough tomorrow and add another one on Mount Pleasant. I think it's coming off faster this time because I have even mroe to come off. I don't know. I know that it has gone from 0 to 90 out of a hundred for me in only a coupel of days. I am obsessed with getting up and going out for a walk in the morning. I didn't get up early enough on Sunday to get one in before church and I was an absolute bitch for the whole day. I finally took off around 6:30pm and did only a half hour, but super intensive walk with 3 major hills.
I am now obsessed with a couple of goals. I want to run the entire length of thornbrough by April 8th. I want to loose another 10lbs by April 9th, so I can say I lost 20lbs before my first adjudication gig. That was my goal back in November - lose 20lbs and did absolutely NOTHING toward the goal until March 21st. I am obsessed with making 20lbs in 3 weeks. The lifestyle coach last time said rule of thumb is 10lbs = 1 size in clothing. So far, she's quite right. My 5X shirts are more than baggy and my 4X shirts are starting to get baggy too. The pants are falling off in the 22s that I had been tight in January. The 20 Canadians are just right. The 18 Americans are just right to loose, depending on how much I sit.
I have been tryign to eat better - more veggies and less refined sugars. Today I had major gastro-intestinal issues, which I had the last time I got on one of these kicks. Should be interesting to see how that settles itself out or if it does because that was a problem the whole time last time.
So, I realize that this will not be easy to keep up over the month of festivals - the 2 that I am adjudicating at as well as the 2 week long one here because when you are away from home, you eat out. The festivals that are paying for my room also want me to eat at the hotel restaurant and charge it to the room, which they will then pay. That's not exactly healthy. So, we'll see. I'm hoping that I will at least be able to get in 1 good walk a day while away, even if I have to wake up way too early to be human. :)
So far, I'm enjoying my exercise time. That's a first. We'll see if it lasts. All I know is that I have to do something and I have to do it now. I should have done it before, but 80lbs from where I was and I wasn't happy then with the weight, but at least it was on the right side of the 200.
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
if you don't have anything nice to say...
don't say anything at all.
I've gone so long without posting because of the above principle.
Today, I just can't not sit and complain and bitch, moan and whine. Don't say you weren't warned if you choose to continue on in this post.
***
I have had it with my life. Absolutely had it. I am truly ready to throw in the towel and start again.
I am tired. I also know this is just the start of it.
I am self-employed. No Pension, no benefits, no medical coverage, no sick time, no paid vacation time.
I have a husband who because of his health problems can not work.
I have to work enough for two people. That gets tiring, especially around this time of year when all a human really wants to do is turn in to a bear and hibernate until the snow and cold are all gone. I haven't even shoveled half as much as I normally would due to a surgery at the start of January and yet, I am SO over shovelling and snow.
I had a major crisis on my hands earlier today when starting to organize my 2010 tax claim. Couldn't find much needed and specific paperwork. After tearing the place apart and wasting much time, the specific items were found in my husband's backpack. Not the safest place to say the least, but they were taken to the government to show as proof of income back in October. Serves me right for taking too long to get to organizing my claim.
So, after a complete melt-down crying spell over lost logs, a complete melt-down crying spell over the snowmageddon storm part 4 we are having today, I am having a melt-down crying spell over the realization that I am making about $18,000 LESS than I was 10 years ago, but it's not just me that is living off that money. I'm living off of $18k less per year and keeping a husband. I'm paying on and trying to keep up a home in my name instead of an apartment. I am paying healt & lights (1 bill), water & sewage, property taxes, home insurance and much more that I didn't have to pay when renting an apartment. I have an 8 year old vehicle instead of a brand new that I got in 2000 and it's going to cost me mega bucks to get it past inspecition this month. The cost of living is going up exponentially (i.e. milk is going up 5 cents a litre this week) and has gone up exponentially in the past 10 years, yet my income has decreased by...lots and my baggage and responsibilities have gone up what seems like 3000%!
So, yeah. Can I just re-format my life back to 10 years ago? I was happier then. This life aboslutely sucks the life out of me.
I've gone so long without posting because of the above principle.
Today, I just can't not sit and complain and bitch, moan and whine. Don't say you weren't warned if you choose to continue on in this post.
***
I have had it with my life. Absolutely had it. I am truly ready to throw in the towel and start again.
I am tired. I also know this is just the start of it.
I am self-employed. No Pension, no benefits, no medical coverage, no sick time, no paid vacation time.
I have a husband who because of his health problems can not work.
I have to work enough for two people. That gets tiring, especially around this time of year when all a human really wants to do is turn in to a bear and hibernate until the snow and cold are all gone. I haven't even shoveled half as much as I normally would due to a surgery at the start of January and yet, I am SO over shovelling and snow.
I had a major crisis on my hands earlier today when starting to organize my 2010 tax claim. Couldn't find much needed and specific paperwork. After tearing the place apart and wasting much time, the specific items were found in my husband's backpack. Not the safest place to say the least, but they were taken to the government to show as proof of income back in October. Serves me right for taking too long to get to organizing my claim.
So, after a complete melt-down crying spell over lost logs, a complete melt-down crying spell over the snowmageddon storm part 4 we are having today, I am having a melt-down crying spell over the realization that I am making about $18,000 LESS than I was 10 years ago, but it's not just me that is living off that money. I'm living off of $18k less per year and keeping a husband. I'm paying on and trying to keep up a home in my name instead of an apartment. I am paying healt & lights (1 bill), water & sewage, property taxes, home insurance and much more that I didn't have to pay when renting an apartment. I have an 8 year old vehicle instead of a brand new that I got in 2000 and it's going to cost me mega bucks to get it past inspecition this month. The cost of living is going up exponentially (i.e. milk is going up 5 cents a litre this week) and has gone up exponentially in the past 10 years, yet my income has decreased by...lots and my baggage and responsibilities have gone up what seems like 3000%!
So, yeah. Can I just re-format my life back to 10 years ago? I was happier then. This life aboslutely sucks the life out of me.
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