Things never go quite as expected

You'd think I would have figured out by now that things never go quite as I expect them to.

When September started, I expected to start work at the church on October 1st and have been steadily working on my needs for there through August and September. Yet, when the time came and October 1st came along, I felt terribly behind. The prep work that I had done had to be changed due to outside forces and, well... today's first service that I actually played wasn't quite what I had expected. Folks over all seemed more than happy, but I felt unprepared and always a step behind. Not my favourite feeling.

I also had a certain number of students in certain timeslots and thankfully, most of those are still as I expected.

The community choir that I play for has an oversight committee and without consulting me (I'm not being haughty - they need an accompanist to do what they have plans to do) have added several "gigs" to their schedule. What I expected to be Wednesday nights as it has been for the past two years has modified in to Wednesday nights and a "gig" a month - mainly on Saturday nights and often a 4 hour drive out of town, which will make me getting back to play for the Sunday morning church service a bit tricky. But, they didn't know that I was starting a new job at a church (because they didn't consult) and didn't think I'd have an issue with a paid trip out of town every couple of months (I get re-imbursed, so I have a lot of out of pocket expenses which I find difficult to be able to handle with my current debt-load)

Without any adjudicating jobs in sight (I have sent out 14 and have heard from half of them that they are already booked and the other half I have heard absolutely NOTHING from), I still have to continue to add to my resume so it doesn't look like I just didn't do any kind of work that can be added to my resume, changed up my direction, didn't do any professional development, etc and I have been actively on the look out for seminars, workshops, etc. which is much like pulling hens teeth around here. I will be taking part in one, but not sure it is going to be put on the resume since it is someone I've worked closely with the past few years and have already got their PD stuff on my resume.

A few weekends ago, I was approached by a colleague whom I worked with this past year in a few capacities - one as an adjudicator at their local festival and then as a performer at the concert held here in August to do a choral workshop with their highschool-aged choir group. It just so happens that they are holding their own performance weekend in November and invited me along. I said yes, so my mom & I are going to be heading up to see them in their element in the middle of November so I will be the workshop presenter helping them to get competition ready! I am honoured and feel very blessed and totally STOKED that I can put that on my adjudicator resume as it should help me get more/better jobs next year.

Then, last weekend I got an amazing request/offer to come out and help a fellow colleague put together a school choir at the high school he teaches at. They haven't had any formal choral work in years and he asked me if I would be willing to help. No promise of money and I was happy to work with him on a favour exchange basis because 1) I already owed him a few favours 2) I expect I'll be asking him for a few more as he is one of the best musicians around and he has saved my bacon the past couple of concerts I've put on 3) I really enjoy working with him as I learn a LOT about the tech side and band side of life which I know virtually NOTHING about 4) I'll be able to put this on my resume and it will look AWESOME to prospective adjudicator committees 5) He is willing to write a letter of reference to attach with the resume! SWEET DEAL! I'm in! So, even though I'm not doing any actual adjudicating, I am going to be doing things to help me get bigger and better adjudicating jobs.

Things never go quite as expected. I was really upset about not being booked for any adjudicating. I really enjoy it. I feel like I do a good job of it, but have burned through all the available festivals in my provincial area. Branching out to other provinces I expected to be more difficult, but wasn't expecting to be completely stone-walled. But, had I booked adjudication jobs, I wouldn't have been able to accept the request to help put together a choir from the ground up and work on their musical in the spring. Not as expected, but perhaps different isn't better or worse and it really is just...different.

Sometimes, I look ahead 6 or 10 or 12 months and nothing turns out the way that I looked at them to be. I will be interested to look back at the coming months in the Spring and see whether or not these expectations balance out.

Pissing in peoples cornflakes

My day today has been a constant stream of pissing in people's cornflakes and I'm rather enjoying it.

I was asked and given a RIDICULOUS explanation to do something I am just innately against doing and the explanation that I'm sure they thought would make it easier for me to understand their position and therefore do only cemented in me the need to say no.

I said no to their request, but sent back an alternative idea so as not to appear completely against participating. No response as of yet, but since they were told beforehand that I didn't think it was a wise move, I applaud their boldness for trying.

I was then asked to attempt to put together an even in SJ for the teachers. That is just FUTILE as 99% of the teachers do not feel they need to learn anything more and certainly not from the people that are offering their information and knowledge. When I put it out there and the drivel came back in from others immediately about no time, no need, etc, I happily reminded them that it is a free learning opportunity to better yourselves as well as those that you teach and then pointedly asked what days/times would be workable and the few who need it most either paid lip service by stating I was correct, but making it impossible to schedule the event when they could attend and/or left the conversation completely without input other than saying nothing means they aren't interested. So...I played one last card and pissed in everyone's cornflakes and the reality is that the person who was wanting to come give us information no longer wants to come. Can't say as I blame them. Only 3 teachers actually wanted to go from the start and it simply isn't worth their time and trouble for 3.

When will people get their heads out of their asses to know that being in a position to educate people means that you yourself need to be constantly updated on new techniques, processes, etc?! It scares me that those who are the short-sighted and most stupid are the ones who think they are the smartest and refuse to learn.

I KNOW I am not the smartest, best or greatest, but I thirst to learn more from those who know more and are willing to share freely what they literally paid hundreds of thousands of dollars for and get paid handsomely to do it in other places freely here!

Only problem now is that I have to get out of the pissing in cornflakes mode to calmly and quietly deal with parents and students! That isn't an easy transition for me and I have a whole 25 minutes to do it!

Officially losing my mind

I sleep well for 8 to 9 hours a night and I'm still tired.

I eat well and I feel unsatisfied and always still want more.

I exercise and feel worse afterward.

I love the "people", but one week in to the schedule and I'm already walking through the motions.

What does this tell you? Tells me that I am officially losing my mind.

It is said life is what you think it to be

I have had a lot of people tell me that life is what you make of it. Here are a number of the cliches that I have been told the past while: If you have a positive outlook, your life will be great with positive things & people. If things are not going well, you are just looking at things in the wrong way. Make lemonade out of lemons. If you're experiencing bad, you just have to think better. The glass is half full not half empty.

Perhaps those things are true, but when do we stop making everything rainbows and skittles and start looking at reality? I think that the people who think that they can change their bad things in to goo things by changing the way they look at these things or think about these things are simply and utterly delusional and in complete denial.

Shit happens. A lot. Let's be realistic about it and instead of covering it up with some odor neutralizing kitty litter of mind games, let's face the facts that no matter how much sweet smelling kitty litter is piled on it, at some point you have to get your hands close to dirty and scoop the poop.

When is too much really too much?

I am certifiably wiped. I am totally exhausted. Today is the first day off in 33 days, which included 2 major concerts for my students, 2 overnights away due to competitions and a 2 day event filled with 8 hour meetings and the next day 4 hours of workshops and 4 hours of meetings. I am pooped, but must persevere as we still have to eat and keep a roof over our heads...which, incidentally is now valued at $25, 000 more than it was 2 weeks ago when a "no problem to fix that leak" quote by a roofing company ended up costing $25k in 3 days. No - they were not fleecing me as my entire family saw it for themselves that the roof trusses were rotted completely through and everything needed to be replaced. Literally. Needless to say, that wasn't in the repair budget.

I am looking at taking on a church job in the fall. It should pay between $9-10k for the year. Not what I was previously making 5 years ago doing the same thing, but it is a guaranteed $9-10k that I currently don't have.

But, that doesn't start until the fall.

I'm bone weary tired and whining (I acknowledge that) about the very real and present needs of keeping the bills paid while students take the summer off. I have advertised for summer singing schools in places that I know have none of that offered for a decently cheap rate, but no one is signing up. I only have 6 hour long students and no weddings booked and no funerals on the horizon as the person who was out ill in April & May is back to the bench full time. I have no church fill in time, so 6 hours of students a week isn't going to cut it, but those 6 hours are spread out all over, so the only thing I can come up with is overnights.

It's not something I will be able to keep doing come the fall, so what are the realistic chances that someone will hire me for the next 2 month? Minimal, right?

Plus, I am tired. I think I've mentioned that before in this post. And I'm starting to wonder when too much is really too much? Do I take the financial hit and not work to regoup physically & mentally or do I keep putting one foot in front of the other until I absolutely can't? I don't think there is actually a right or wrong answer to this question. I guess it comes down to being selfish or not. I haven't yet decided, but figure I will have to decide soon. I will either have to cancel my summer school offerings and get a real job within the next 2 weeks.

My life is like a gong...I mean, game show! Stay tuned for the final decision LOL

Almost through

I am one week away from being finished the longest festival season to date in my life. It started rough and I am hoping that it doesn't end quite so rough! Only time will tell. I adjudicated three festivals of varying lengths and intensities.

The first two were "laid back" in atmosphere and people, but the first festival was an extremely intensive schedule with 3 out of 4 days being 12 - 14 hour days, often with no or shortened breaks. The last one was "intense and competitive" in people and atmosphere, but laid back in schedule with every evening and some afternoon and evening off. I have not had much time to reflect on the experiences. I definitely learned greatly from each of these events in different ways and hope to use that new information going forward. It would really be difficult to keep up a 3 festival schedule each year. I acknowledge that this year was different from most other years that I will have personally as well, but it was very difficult on the head and spirit. I will have to take time to consider the schedule and how it affects my personal and teaching life a little more when I go on the hunt for festivals to adjudicate at in the future.

The interesting thing is the first festival I was at was done a month ago, yet it is just now coming back to "haunt me". Through no fault or issue of mine, one of the teachers there has lodged a complaint - 1 month post festival! It's simply ludicrous, but the reality is that there is a pissing match happening between that teacher and another teacher and she is trying to get the other teacher's students disqualified from progressing further in to the provincial festival, which I recommended they go on and compete in, so said teacher is trying to get me to say that I was co-erced and if that doesn't work, then she is going to try to get it so that I made errors in process. Neither thing happened. The reality is that the adjudicators decision is FINAL. Tout finis! Suck it up buttercup and move on. Don't be calling me to complain or get me to tell you the process by which I made my decisions a month ago! So, I will be sending the festival board a letter of recommendation that they add a clause in to their rules & regulations stating all questions, concerns and protests must be made before the end of festival. Once I am done I am done. You are not going to pay me to be your problem solver, so why should I a month later?

The second festival, only 3 days long with one12 hour day, one 10 hour day and one 5 hour day was a breeze as far as physical schedule and I thought it overall as far as the work side of things went well, but the feedback was less than positive by the festival secretary/co-ordinator, but rave reviews have also come in from the president and adjudicator committee chair! After having the secretary tell me about the complaints and upset people (not just family members) but not giving me specifics, I went directly to the source of the people complaining - their teacher. Their teacher gave me specific things that made the students and people in attendance upset, which when I heard it, I had to agree their concerns/complaints were valid. That teacher then went on to tell me that as much as the people were upset, the reality is that what I said was valid, what I wrote as critiques and the tips that I gave to everyone to help them "fix it up" were legitimate and VERY helpful and that she was incorporating my suggestions in to those student's repertoire, but ALL of her student's repertoire with MUCH success! She basically told me to keep doing what I'm doing, but leave out X, Y & Z. Luckily she gave me this helpful piece of information BEFORE I did my last adjudication job this past week. It also came out that since last year's adjudicator was known to be a friend of mine and that we usually work very closely together (we haven't this year due to my personal schedule and issues) and because we said very similar things (only the other person did not give tips & tricks to help improve their abilities) that they thought we had gotten together ahead of time and worked together to hold certain people back as I basically did the same thing to the same people as the other person did last year - i.e. did not recommend the person that was expected to move on further in competition. I did not KNOW this ahead of time, but everyone there is quite convinced we are in "cahoots" against certain students. Really?! That is SO not worth my time and energy. I have other, more pressing things that need my attention than their diva not getting what they believe to be her due.

The third and final festival was very, VERY intense. Far more intense in repertoire and status than any other festival I had been involved in before. The physical schedule was light, which I am VERY thankful for because it took every ounce of energy out of me. I'm as yet unsure why - if it was simply that the work itself was that much bigger and more difficult or if it was because it was the third in 4 weeks or if I was just that upset by the information from the 2nd festival which threw me in to a whirlpool of self-doubt and internal chaos, or if it was all of it combined, but I was most thankful for the lighter schedule so I could actually recover. I seriously needed recovery time at the end of every day just to get up the next day and do my job. Very uncomfortable feeling, to say the least. I have asked for feedback, if they have any, good and bad so that I can continue to learn and improve. Our system does not have any seminars, workshops or even national minimum standards, so for me the only way to know what needs improving is to take the criticisms. I am hopeful that these will be presented in a more constructive way than what I was given 2 weeks ago. This week I go from critique mode to performer mode. I am exhausted, but excited and am looking forward to hearing someone else that I can hopefully pick up some dos and don'ts from.

I have also made a decision to go out on a limb and apply for an apprenticeship program centered in Ontario that if I am accepted to would give me the ability to travel nationally. They don't take many and often do not take people on their first application, but I figure I have nothing to lose at this point except the chance and some cash. So, I'm printing the stuff off tonight when I am done teaching and sending it purolator tomorrow. Keeping toes crossed that they will take a chance on me and perhaps I can start the apprenticeship program this summer. Currently, I have NOTHING booked, so it would be a great thing timing-wise for me! I will keep you posted. Keep your fingers crossed, please & thank you.

when the person who sees you every day notices...

then it's noticeable...

The day that hubby get the call for his organ transplants I had gone to a nutritionist to try to prepare for what I knew then would be a long and arduous journey that I needed to be healthier for.

I was right, but a little too late out of the gate! LOL!

I had decided at 10am that morning that I was going to eat healthier, exercise more and in the process lose weight not for vanity's sake, but for health sake.

I had weighed myself the week before and was 266lbs and that was when I knew it was past the time. By the time I got to the "lifestyle coach" and she weighed and measured me I was 262.6lbs.

In the first 10 days alone I had lost 15lbs, so I was expecting GREAT weight loss like I had the last time nearly 8 years ago. Today, 20 weeks later I'm only down 25lbs (some days I'm down 30lbs and other I'm only down 20lbs. I have large weight fluctuations) but it's the inches that I've lost that is shocking even me.

When the person who sees you every day asks, "are you losing more weight?" it's definitely noticeable. When my mother who never gives weight comments in good ways goes "you really have lost a lot of weight!" notices and doesn't follow it up with a "but you need to lose more" it's definitely noticeable.

I feel kind of bad though because I will tell people I am losing weight, but really I'm not. I've been above and below the 240lbs mark now for a month, but I am still heading down sizes in clothes. Not sure how, but I'll take it!

I'm down 12" total from around my body. Again, not as much in the "target zone" of my belly, but the upper back, belly, arms, hips & legs have all reduced in size. The clothes that I had intended to wear to adjudicate this year really do not do me any justice, but I will have to wear what I have. I started this back in November at the top of the 5X (I was seriously considering getting a 6X) or 30/32W shirts. I was down to only 1 place in town that I could purchase tops at. Depending on the fabric and the cut I am either a 2X or 3X shirt now or a 22 top. when doing the X sizes, that's 3 sizes. When doing the numeric sizes, that's 5 sizes dropped! Pretty incredible when it usually takes 10lbs to drop a size!

I started in pants at fat store size 22 - and they were getting tighter by the day and I didn't even bother to look at regular stores for anything other than shoes. Today, I am down to a fat store 14/16 and a regular store 18. That's a difference of 3 sizes, which suits me JUST FINE that I'm losing more inches on the top than on the bottom since I had far more to lose on the top as I'm an inverted triangle which is just a bitchly shape to dress!!

I can't complain as I do feel healthier and better but the looking professional thing has really gotten to me today as I pack to go away to adjudicate and feel very bag-lady-ish and unkempt when I should be feeling proud and healthy. Ah well. Temporary first world problems :)

Decisions, decisions

I said way back 10...12 years ago when I stopped full time self employment that I wouldn't do it again unless I had a stable partner income. Times have changed and when the decision was made to go back to full time teaching, that was the scenario.

Once again, I am staring down the barrell of the loaded shotgun known as the "summer season". THe reality is that my work is a seasonal activity. I am a teacher and while we do not teach within the school system, we are expected to match the timing of the school year. The big difference between me and any other teacher in the school system is that they get EI. I don't. Summer without pay. It's a loaded shotgun pointed in my face.

The past couple of years I have hodge-podged my way through thanks mostly to a rather lovely summer teaching gig through a high-profile arts institution. I made the same about in the 2 weeks there than I do teaching for the month at home privately. Add in covering for a well known organist taking the entire summer off and 2 days of students and I've been able to make it through.

This year, however there will not be the 2 week teaching gig through the arts institution. There will not be the church services as they have someone from within the congregation already covering due to an injury to the current organist that I am unable to help with as I will be away every other week due to adjudicating commitments. I have already been told by 3 of the hour long students I have had the past 2 summers that they are not planning on continuing through the summer as they need to take a breather. I TOTALLY get that! But, unfortunately, all of this has made me come to a quick realization that the shotgun is no longer pointed at my head, but is touching my forehead right between the eyes.

So...a decision has to be made. Do I make a life change now or take a summer job if there is one to be had? I'm thinking at this point for my age and such I'm looking at Tim Hortons, which is ok because I'll make sure to give tea when asked for it! LOL!! Or, do I suck it up, pack it in and either go for a "real" job in the "real" world? Another option still is going back to school. But for what? I'm really not wired to teach in the school system. I know that already. While I would like the schedule of the school system, I'm just not creative enough to survive and sustain myself in that setting. besides, music teachers are the first things cut. So, what else could I go back to school for? I'm not really sure. I couldn't do the psychology or sociology as I have no patience for stupidity. While part of me is very interested in medical things, I kida screwed myself back 15 years ago in university when I signed up for an anatomy & phsyiology class and never went giving me a big ole F on my transcript. Somehow, I don't think that anywhere I applied to now would really understand the "I was a lazy musician" logic since that's still what I am. I'm really not good at anything else other than music. So, while the most sensible thing would be to go back to school and change direction completely, I have no other viable skills to build upon.

This is all really disheartening.

On top of the fact that funding for schooling probably wouldn't be possible as again, I don't pay in to EI, so I wouldn't qualify for any help from skills, loans & grants and no bank wants to talk to a self employed person anymore about bank loans.

So...I guess the reality is that this really isn't much of a decision to be made after all.

Sometimes blogging really does help clarify things! :)

Is it too much to ask?

We had a brand new furnace installed to the tune of well over $4000 on Friday. The first night we didn't notice much different - if anything, things were a bit quieter. Then on Saturday, it started making terrible creaking, groaning and banging noises. Thinking it was just settling, I waited to call until I made sure it was going to continue. On Sunday it was really getting bad. The banging was to the point where the entire floor from the back to the front of the house would shake and it sounded like a gunshot going off. Particularly disturbing as you try to sleep.

On Sunday, I called the furnace installation people. I realize it was a weekend and the fellow was only on call, but he did not do or say the right things to put me at ease that the furnace was working or that I made the right choice to go with this company in the first place as his only explanation was "It's probably something you'll have to live with." UMMMMMMM WHAAAAAAAT?!

So, needless to say I didn't want him to come over and take a look at a new furnace installed less than 48 hours earlier because he wouldn't have enough care or concern to look at it properly in the first place.

So, I called this morning to ask for the guy who installed it on Friday to come over. He'd been here a couple times previously and he was very nice.

Today was not his day - his truck broke down on the way to work and he seemed as unconcerned as my non friend on the phone! He basically said that there was probably a loose pipe under the house that was causing the issue because of the new pump but there was nothing that could be done. UMMMM NO! Take a look at it and listen to it before you tell me that there isn't anything that can be done! Once he heard it, he had to agree that it was abnormally loud and he took off his jacket and took out a screwdriver and got at "tinkering" with the valves.

A person shouldn't have to PLEAD with someone to take the time to actually look and listen. I'm not really surprised that they had to come back to tweak after the install. It's an old house and nothing goes quite perfectly when you put new in to old, but it was disappointing to have that reaction not once but TWICE from a company that is getting that kind of money to do such things. We were treated as morons and an inconvenience/waste of time on the phone but also upon arrival this morning.

Only after he had to do a fair bit of adjusting was there an admittance that there was an issue and that if we had any other problems or concerns to simply call and they'd come back to make the adjustments as needed. For that kind of money, have no fear that I will be calling if I have concerns.

How frustrating though to have to have that kind of gumption to stand up for yourself to two people! I know a few people who are not able to speak up for themselves and would have not had someone even come to look at it! SO WRONG!!

Happy Monday!

It's getting harder and harder to breathe

I am finding it increasingly difficult to keep from feeling like I am drowning. Mentally, physically and emotionally just when I think "I can do this" there is another overwhelming event that happens and I feel like I suffocating and will never breathe again.

It is getting harder and harder to believe that everything that happens is for a reason and is happening at the right time. I'm feeling less and less blessed and more and more punished every moment of every day.

These are the times in my past that when it piles up like this, I would acknowledge I've made a wrong decision and go back and change the decision or make amends and the overwhelming roadblocks would almost immediately be lessened. Problem right now is, I'm not exactly sure what I've done wrong. Everything that is so quickly piling up (car repairs, plumbing repairs, furnace needs replacing and the roof will need to be re-done once the dry season arrives) are coming at me fast and furious like I've made the most grievous error of my life, but I don't know what decisions I have made. Most everything that I've been doing has been because I've had to and haven't had a choice. I'm starting to think it's a years old decision that has been lying dormant that is now waking up and bitch slapping me in the face for not realizing it sooner. But what the error is, I still don't know and there is just too much for a process of elimination situation.

I acknowledge my jealousy. I see other people with the exact same or similar work situations who have similar or same household expenses and repairs, dependents, etc. who are doing things, getting things and going places that I dare not even dream about and just don't understand how. I want to know so I can do it to.

There are those people who have jobs with health benefits, sick time and vacation time and they are unhappy with their situation. I have a job that by it's very nature is winding down and I will have no income for a couple of months. I have no health benefits, sick time or vacation time and I am unhappy with my situation. I don't know how there is no happiness on either end of the situation. I know I chose my situation and I thought I had this upcoming "down time" covered, but then my car died, my toilets died and my furnace died. I thankfully had some money to cover it, but will have to get a family loan to cover some and cover all the roof issues and that still leaves me with no reserve for the non-teaching time fast approaching. Perhaps it is time I once again look at the other end of the scenario and find a "real" job with fall-back benefits. It will suck because I'd have to give up things like adjudicating which I feel like I'm making big headway with in the short amount of time I've been active with it, but there needs to be a change somewhere, someway, somehow. I'm thinking that may make the demons go away again and stop suffocating me to death with difficulty. Just not sure what to change, how to change it or even why.

So, I will continue to stand still and wait for clearer direction and hope to not drown in the interim.

6 weeks to go and a ton of work to do!

Well, I am 6 weeks away from my first vocal/choral adjudicating gig. I have so much prep work to do as I'm adjudicating 3 different places. It's 6 weeks out and yet I am already overwhelmed. All I've done is print off the syllabi, label the notebooks for each job and already I'm ready to quit! I'm hoping that I will find focus and inspiration and fast! Especially since one of the jobs has made me an enemy (or 2) already before I've even started! Have to be extra perpared for that one. At least that one is the last and closer to 12 weeks out! LOL!!

So, I have given myself a deadline to get in to a new routine. I'll let you know if I meet it.

Is about to become the most hated person in my area!

So...I'm poised to become one of the most hated people in my profession in my immediate area! I am adjudicating at 3 festivals this year - all in voice & choral. Last year was piano, this year is voice, which is great for me - kill the requirements for national adjudicator certification in 2 years instead of 3, but the largest festival I'm at released the names of all of the adjudicators for all disciplines for this year yesterday. I am doing the higher levels of competition over a lady who is older, with far more adjudicating experience (that will be my third festival to adjudicate, it's just that it's all in a span of 6 weeks!) and is teaching at two different universities! Not really sure of the logic behind the festival board's choice of who adjudicates what, but I'm sure she will be utterly unimpressed with that decision as will at least 3 - 4 of the teachers in my immediate area and 2 from other places in the province who will absolutely be ready to spit nails in my face for it.

Should be an interesting ramp up to festival season indeed!

I may be in over my head, but I'll never know until I fail!

An update on me bring a prude

So, an update on the situation of the friend and her relationship.

Her friend came to town for the week and never once made time to see her. When she finally got in touch with him and asked if there was a problem, the response was that at this time in his life (she's 35, he's 53) he wasn't up for dealing with dating someone who doesn't have grown children that he found the whole episode the last time he was around very upsetting and draining. He is looking for someone to spoil, not to teach someone how not to be spoiled (he travels the world and told her he would take her with him when he went abroad/south, etc).

So, now the blame for this failed attempt of a relationship that could have been so profitable is squarely on the 10 year old, of course. That's not going to be a parent/child relationship that will have a good end result at the rate they are going!

I'm still not sure that I'm not a prude, but I'd like to think I'd be smarter with my decisions if I was in the same position!

I'm actually going to say No

I have been complaining/referencing that I'm just a girl who can't say no for a while now, and have done nothing to actively change that and always caving in to the popular decision, even when it's not in my best interest.

I have decided this morning to say no to something for the first time in a long time. I have been asked to join an "elite chorus" for a touring show that is coming in to town in March. The person who is directing it is a good friend and someone I work with during the week on a regular basis. All the people that have been asked to perform in this chorus are the "pros" in town and the people who have a lot of influence in the music happening in this area who have all been very kind to us over the past few months. I'd LOVE to work with them all, I really would! I think I'd even enjoy the music, even though it's Bach (which I normally despise), but the main hesitation for me is that there are 5 weeks of rehearsals. Every Sunday night from 7 - 9pm from next Sunday night until the performance night plus a dress rehearsal on the stage the night before and/or afternoon of (depending on the tours schedule). I just don't have that kind of time to devote to an "extra" right now. I have church on Sunday mornings (a paying gig) from 9:30am - noon, then I teach from 1 - 5pm. Giving up Sunday nights just isn't appealing to me in the least right now, especially when I will have to be using almost every extra second to prep for three adjudication jobs starting the end of March through until May!

I know that a few of these people will think and probably even accuse me of being selfish, but I have to say no. If it was a 2 rehearsal thing (which, I really don't see why it can't be as all the invitees are "pros") then I'd be in, but I just can't think of 5 or 6 weeks weeks of Sunday nights singing Bach as anything really enjoyable.

Shame of it is that I could be using that as experience for my first choral adjudicating gigs coming up as part of the adjudication gigs this year, but I just can't bring myself to say yes.

So, I'm a girl who is learning to say no. Let's see if this comes back to bite me on the ass and if so, how hard?!

why the hiatus

So, I said I'd come back and post more about the surgery.

On Nov 15th at 5:05pm, a mere 23 days after being put on the transplant list, my hubby got the call that there was a donor match and that he had to be on the road for a 4 hour drive by 6pm because they needed him there by 10pm.

I was working and while I could have made it out of town in less than an hour, it really wasn't practical, so one phone call later to a friend whom I now call an angel on earth and they were on the road by 5:50pm!

A mountain of phone calls later to make arrangements for my students, packing a couple of bags (since we didn't do that before then because...we had LOTS of time to wait while on the list), getting some cash from my parents, get gas and I too was on the road. The 4 hour drive for me was more like 3 hours with 2 stops for gas. Yes. That's right. I had to make 2 stops for gas. Driving at a deathly fast speed on the highway at night seems to use a lot more gas that usual.

I admit it now on the other side of things that I definitely wasn't the person to be driving my husband to the hospital, but at the time the call came, all I wanted to do was be the person to drive him to the hospital! You see, there was a binder that we got when we met with the team in Halifax. There was a part in the back that gave a bit of information on how to prepare yourself and we hadn't gotten to that part of the binder yet. Hell, we hadn't even looked at the binder yet. We had lots of time to wait! So, we were supposed to discuss and decide on things like who would drive him/me/us and contact people and have them all agree about driving in advance. We were supposed to discuss things like what do we need for finances for living away from home for what was supposed to be an extended period of time (we were told at the meeting by the team the average is 3 months in hospital, but if there were complications up to a year in hospital), what our plans were if things went well and if they didn't go well, such as what the person wanted for a funeral as well as sign forms and fill in paperwork to be given to them upon arrival of things like alternative decision maker, contact person, etc. So, um yeah. I wanted him to fill that out as I drove him down, but it didn't work that way.

So, our angel on earth got him safely to the hospital with me a mere 30 minutes behind them even though I left 2 hours after them! LOL! I can not stress enough that you should NOT drive alone. There was no way anyone else would have been driving me. They would have been far too slow for my anxieties, but it would have been nice to have something other than only my dialogue rolling around in my head. :P

After numerous delays (including a fire in the hospital) he was taken to surgery. I missed him being taken down. I won't go in to the gory details, but let's just say the fact that I missed him going was NOT a pleasant situation or sight as my GA disorder was in high gear. The nurses will not be forgetting THAT scene for a while, nor will my other angel on earth whom I hadn't seen since high school who showed up at the hospital that night just to sit so I would no longer be alone. Poor thing just had NO idea what happened, what I would do or how fast I can really walk! LOL!

Anyway, I am thankful to say that the implantation of a kidney and pancreas went well and they functioned within 24 hours. Things have not been perfect - he lost his sight after the surgery and it has slowly been coming back and the bottom part of the incision split, so he is still 7 weeks after surgery still dealing with an open wound to the fascia and has a machine on 24/7 trying to speed the healing process, but he has had no pain medication since the day after surgery and his blood work has stayed relatively stable. We are currently dealing with a potential kidney issue, but he thinks he knows why the blood work has gone sky high and he has to go in for emergency blood work in the morning, so hopefully we will know more tomorrow. If not tomorrow, Monday at the latest as that is when he has his regularly scheduled bloodwork.

But, there have been blessings and miracles all around. He got both organs. There was a fellow who ended up being a room mate for a few days who went in to surgery expecting a kidney & pancreas, but come out only to be told the pancreas wasn't viable. How devastating it was for that family. We were truly blessed that not only did he get both organs, but that both worked right away. He has been 7 weeks without needing to take any insulin. He was sent home for Christmas. Truly, miraculous considering he was minimum 12 weeks in hospital and he was home in 4! That's not to say that he is home to stay, though I hope he is because that means no serious complications, but anything can happen and he may have to go back to the surgery city, but for now we is healing slowly, finding more stamina daily and the organs are still working. Not much more we can ask for.

We can only hope that your Christmas/holiday season brought happiness and miracles for you & yours as it did to us! Here's hoping for a happy & health-filled 2012!

posting hiatus

Due to various reasons, I have had a rather lengthy hiatus from posting. The main reason is that my husband had major surgery. More on that later.

Right now, I have a burning question. Am I REALLY a prude? I never thought of myself as one, but I believe I am a serious prude/stick in the mud after a conversation I had this afternoon.

I had lunch with a friend who is going on her third year of "working on a divorce". her husband moved on 3+ years ago and has been living with his "new woman" for as long as my friend and he have been split. She however, did not move on right away, though she has had a couple of long-term (probably even considered serious) relationships as well as a couple of "flings". At the start of things, the children were 7 & 10 years of age. They are now 10 & 13. At the start of things, she said she kept a hard and fast rule of not introducing suitors to the kids until she knew that it wasn't just a fling. That's cool with me. Makes sense in my brain. The last 3 or 4 though have met the kids up front. She figures they are now old enough to deal with things if it's not a long term situation in the end. The second to last relationship their first date included the kids and within 6 weeks, they were done. The kids got attached to a "psycho" and she had to put an end to it even though the kids really liked him.

Today, she tell me about her new man. He seems very nice and they seem to be well-suited. The thing that they will be dealing with is that it will be a long distance relationship with him away for 2-4 weeks at a time. They've been dating 6 or 7 weeks and have spent 3 weeks in each others presence during this time.

What I turned in to a total prude about what when she started telling me about their lovely last few nights together and the youngest just starts "grrrrr"ing. Literally! I was confused, until she told the child to "get over it". Apparently, last night was their last night together for a few weeks and they were making the most of it, but the kids were up and watching TV and as they were "enjoying themselves", they weren't being quiet or even trying to hide it from the kids. The youngest (10, remember) got so upset he started pounding on the door and screaming at them to stop. She said she was so mad and SO embarrassed and opened the door long enough to tell the child that she was an adult and adults have sex and to get used to it!

Ummmm...ok, I GET the fact that you won't be seeing each other for a while, but I DON'T get the mentality that doing it loud enough to freak the kid out is no big deal and that they just have to get used to it! Apparently, this wasn't the first time this happened. In the relationship with the "psycho", the older one pounded on the door to get them to stop and/or quiet down a couple of times, but now that child just laughs about it. The older one told me today that they just grabbed their computer and their headphones and drowned them out.

I guess I have issues on a few different levels about a few different things.
1) If you are doing something to upset your children so much that they have a complete and utter freak out, stop doing it.
2) If said freak out happens multiple times by multiple children, STOP DOING IT!
3) Sex isn't THAT important! I believe that you need to put kids before sex. I am also a person who can go for long periods of time without having sex (longest time was just over 7 years) and I don't understand the "need to have it" issues that what seems like 99% of the rest of the population have.
4) If the discussion of the person you are in a relationship with illicits that response from your child, RE-THINK THE RELATIONSHIP!! You will only have one relationship with your kids, but men come and go (or come and blow, but that's another rant)

Am I just a complete stick in the mud/prude for the disbelief of the conversation and the events that led to this conversation? What is wrong with me that I don't have the need for sex like the rest of the world does that they forgo everything and everyone else for it? Am I the one that is wrong? Am I broken? Or am I the clear thinking one and they are only thinking with their bodies and not their brains?

I tried to not portray that I was highly mortified and offended for myself, but mostly for the kids who were also enduring this conversation with me! I am not sure I was successful, but I can say I was completely blown away by the flippant way the conversation went not just with me, but with the kids and can't help but wonder what the 10 year old is going to turn out like as the hormones start to come alive! Will they both be flippant sex fiends who seem to have no care about anything or anyone else around them and will have it when and where they want it? I also can't help but wonder what the mother is going to do when they come of age (which is 16, I believe in Canada) and they want to have sex in their mother's house! Words to haunt you, I think.

I think I'm glad I don't have the desires of the rest of the population since it isn't something I could ever see myself becoming a slave to like this person has!

So...what say you...am I a prude?