I am finding it increasingly difficult to keep from feeling like I am drowning. Mentally, physically and emotionally just when I think "I can do this" there is another overwhelming event that happens and I feel like I suffocating and will never breathe again.
It is getting harder and harder to believe that everything that happens is for a reason and is happening at the right time. I'm feeling less and less blessed and more and more punished every moment of every day.
These are the times in my past that when it piles up like this, I would acknowledge I've made a wrong decision and go back and change the decision or make amends and the overwhelming roadblocks would almost immediately be lessened. Problem right now is, I'm not exactly sure what I've done wrong. Everything that is so quickly piling up (car repairs, plumbing repairs, furnace needs replacing and the roof will need to be re-done once the dry season arrives) are coming at me fast and furious like I've made the most grievous error of my life, but I don't know what decisions I have made. Most everything that I've been doing has been because I've had to and haven't had a choice. I'm starting to think it's a years old decision that has been lying dormant that is now waking up and bitch slapping me in the face for not realizing it sooner. But what the error is, I still don't know and there is just too much for a process of elimination situation.
I acknowledge my jealousy. I see other people with the exact same or similar work situations who have similar or same household expenses and repairs, dependents, etc. who are doing things, getting things and going places that I dare not even dream about and just don't understand how. I want to know so I can do it to.
There are those people who have jobs with health benefits, sick time and vacation time and they are unhappy with their situation. I have a job that by it's very nature is winding down and I will have no income for a couple of months. I have no health benefits, sick time or vacation time and I am unhappy with my situation. I don't know how there is no happiness on either end of the situation. I know I chose my situation and I thought I had this upcoming "down time" covered, but then my car died, my toilets died and my furnace died. I thankfully had some money to cover it, but will have to get a family loan to cover some and cover all the roof issues and that still leaves me with no reserve for the non-teaching time fast approaching. Perhaps it is time I once again look at the other end of the scenario and find a "real" job with fall-back benefits. It will suck because I'd have to give up things like adjudicating which I feel like I'm making big headway with in the short amount of time I've been active with it, but there needs to be a change somewhere, someway, somehow. I'm thinking that may make the demons go away again and stop suffocating me to death with difficulty. Just not sure what to change, how to change it or even why.
So, I will continue to stand still and wait for clearer direction and hope to not drown in the interim.
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