Last night and this morning I opened my email to some news that absolutely THRILLED me. I had been corresponding with a festival in the northern part of the province about coming up to adjudicate in the spring. The timing was a bit tricky though as i was already booked for the other dates that they had originally wanted. I told them the dates I would be available, but it would have meant that I was away for 3 weeks straight adjudicating.
They came back to me last night with alternative dates completely...in MARCH! So, it looks like my festivalling for 2012 will start in March and go through until May! It actually makes for a slightly better schedule for me overall though as it will be one week away, one week home over a 6 week period of time and that I won't miss so large of a chunk with my students before their festival time.
It also meant that by being able to do it, I have 3 festivals this year - 2 solely for voice and choral and this last one will be voice and piano! The national governing body for adjudicating will not even look at you before you have 3 festivals under your belt in your genre. I had given myself a goal of 3 festivals per instrument in 3 years. This newest adjudication booking means that I will have 3 piano adjudications and 3 voice adjudications in 2 years and I should be able to apply for my national status come May!!
I'm ELATED and hopeful that all will go well!
Then, this morning I get an email from the organizer of vocal competition being held in Sackville. The competition is only for teachers who have a special designation in the Maritime provinces. The majority of them are professors of voice at universities, but I was granted my designation in May of this year thanks to working closely with an american prof the past couple of summers. I was fully intending to go up and watch and learn from the other teachers from all the provinces as well as the adjudications, but they needed another adjudicator and asked if I would sit at the table with one of the profs whom I have thankfully met before, but not works with before. She and I will be adjudicating the high school categories which will be both classical and musical theatre genres. Slightly intimidating since I technically haven't adjudicated voice before, but I am thrilled that they are willing to take a chance on someone whom they've not met, not worked with and really don't know. I hope to do them proud even though it's something that I have to be on the road around 5:3-am for and I am SO not a morning person! ROFL!! That's the part that should be interesting!!
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Passive-Agressive vs Passive vs Agressive
I used to be an agressive personality. I admitted it. I owned it. After living the "corporate life" and by most every one's accounts taking a nervous breakdown trying to become less agressive while dealing with passive and passive-agressive personalities, I have come to the realization in the past few weeks that I have become passive-aggressive myself. Due to this - specifically the inability to say no, or suffer inappropriate amounts of guilt, I have really painted myself in to a corner with regards to scheduling. I have done nothing but seethe about it to myself, at myself, etc.
After the breakdown, I became passive. Completely happy to let others make my decisions, said nothing to anyone, didn't want to fight for fear of hurting someone by what I did or said. Times have changed and so has my life's responsibilities and work. I have come to realize that I have not dealt with the transition well. In the process of transition I have become passive-aggressive. I never say no, paste a smile on my face, ry not to argue with anyone about anything so that I don't hurt anyone and yet in the process I hurt myself and then get mad at myself and then fume and fester.
I think (I hope) that tonight may be a turning point from this passive-aggressive point. I don't want to be back to full aggressive, but I hope to be less passive. I hope that I will not allow myself to feel guilt if I say no. I hope that I will remember tonight's trigger...something my mother said to me. She said that if I have something to say to just say it. She raised me to speak my mind whether someone else liked it or not. I had forgotten that. I had put everyone else's wants and needs ahead of mine. I hope that I can walk that fine line a little better going forward. I can fix the corner I painted myself in to, but I can't have to make it any tighter of a corner than it is going forward and perhaps I can stop the self-flogging over it!
Either way, the only person who has complete say over me is me and I have to remember that too!
After the breakdown, I became passive. Completely happy to let others make my decisions, said nothing to anyone, didn't want to fight for fear of hurting someone by what I did or said. Times have changed and so has my life's responsibilities and work. I have come to realize that I have not dealt with the transition well. In the process of transition I have become passive-aggressive. I never say no, paste a smile on my face, ry not to argue with anyone about anything so that I don't hurt anyone and yet in the process I hurt myself and then get mad at myself and then fume and fester.
I think (I hope) that tonight may be a turning point from this passive-aggressive point. I don't want to be back to full aggressive, but I hope to be less passive. I hope that I will not allow myself to feel guilt if I say no. I hope that I will remember tonight's trigger...something my mother said to me. She said that if I have something to say to just say it. She raised me to speak my mind whether someone else liked it or not. I had forgotten that. I had put everyone else's wants and needs ahead of mine. I hope that I can walk that fine line a little better going forward. I can fix the corner I painted myself in to, but I can't have to make it any tighter of a corner than it is going forward and perhaps I can stop the self-flogging over it!
Either way, the only person who has complete say over me is me and I have to remember that too!
Monday, October 17, 2011
waiting of a different kind
We finally got the call we have been waiting for - my hubby is on the double transplant list and is eligible for both pancreas & kidney. This is scary and exciting all at the same time for different reasons and in different ways.
He is quite excited by it all. He has the potential, if the right donor is found to be freed of all kidney and diabetic issues (in theory) for at least a little while. There are potential pitfalls, as with any major surgeries. One being the pancreas itself is a very delicate organ and doesn't transplant well. 1 in 5 or 6 fail. It is a very porous and veinous organ so many difficulties getting it attached and working. The other issue with the pancreas is where it is located and the type of surgery. They have only done 2 double transplants in our area in the past 12 months and neither one have been successful.
The other scary thing is that kidney transplants generally take a few days in hospital and a few days in the step down unit, a few days of observation post surgery and they are home in a week to 10 days. Pancreas transplants are so tricky and delicate that they have ever only had one person in hospital for less than 3 months post-op. The longest was a year. Average is 6 months in hospital after the surgery. Now THAT's scary. For varying reasons. The first one is that hubby doesn't do well with hospitals. Who does, really? The second is that I am self-employed and if I don't work, I don't get paid and neither do the bills, so it is very doubtful that I will be able to be at the hospital with him for more than a week or two. So, it scares me that he could be in a place he despises, alone for at least 6 months. That's not potential to break someone's spirit or marriage or anything! There will be some relatives of his in the area who can visit, but they aren't the most mobile either, so there will be a lot of alone time which is difficult on the head and heart.
We now have a lot of planning to do. We have to plan now for the good and the bad. We have to plan to pay for the post-transplant medications (for life), which we are hopeful the provincial government will agree to pay for. We're not sure of that though, so if they won't, we have to find ways to cover a few grand in medications a month as these are not optional medications. We have to plan for travel expenses, cost of living in Halifax for when he is discharged from the hospital as he can't come right home afterward. We have to plan for if things go badly what he wants for a funeral and how to pay for that. So far, the only thing I can figure is that we have a lot of financial planning to do without a lot of finances to plan with.
So, now I plan fundraisers. While I don't want my family to hold all the burden of helping me with this, it is what it is and I use what resources I have available. Right now, that is family. I'm thinking a concert with an auction to start the fundraising off. Then a CD, but that will cost $1100 - 1500 to produce, so not really a big gain there if you have to fork it out on production costs.
I also have to plan on finding constant and consistent work over the summer. Not teaching full time isn't an option this year as I am just making the expenses as it is. So, I will wait and see what comes available after adjudicating in April. One part of me hopes that the transplant happens in the summer when I technically have 3 months off, but I can't really take 3 months off or we'd be on welfare.
I also just realized that we are for lack of a better term, grounded. He can't leave the Atlantic provinces, or he has to go on hold on the transplant list. That rather sucks. Not that we have the finances to take a vacation mind you, but now that you know you can't, that's what you really want to do.
Oh the mind plays such nasty tricks on you when figuring things like this out.
Should be an interesting time. Could be a short time or a long time, but at least there is a period of time where we are productively waiting.
He is quite excited by it all. He has the potential, if the right donor is found to be freed of all kidney and diabetic issues (in theory) for at least a little while. There are potential pitfalls, as with any major surgeries. One being the pancreas itself is a very delicate organ and doesn't transplant well. 1 in 5 or 6 fail. It is a very porous and veinous organ so many difficulties getting it attached and working. The other issue with the pancreas is where it is located and the type of surgery. They have only done 2 double transplants in our area in the past 12 months and neither one have been successful.
The other scary thing is that kidney transplants generally take a few days in hospital and a few days in the step down unit, a few days of observation post surgery and they are home in a week to 10 days. Pancreas transplants are so tricky and delicate that they have ever only had one person in hospital for less than 3 months post-op. The longest was a year. Average is 6 months in hospital after the surgery. Now THAT's scary. For varying reasons. The first one is that hubby doesn't do well with hospitals. Who does, really? The second is that I am self-employed and if I don't work, I don't get paid and neither do the bills, so it is very doubtful that I will be able to be at the hospital with him for more than a week or two. So, it scares me that he could be in a place he despises, alone for at least 6 months. That's not potential to break someone's spirit or marriage or anything! There will be some relatives of his in the area who can visit, but they aren't the most mobile either, so there will be a lot of alone time which is difficult on the head and heart.
We now have a lot of planning to do. We have to plan now for the good and the bad. We have to plan to pay for the post-transplant medications (for life), which we are hopeful the provincial government will agree to pay for. We're not sure of that though, so if they won't, we have to find ways to cover a few grand in medications a month as these are not optional medications. We have to plan for travel expenses, cost of living in Halifax for when he is discharged from the hospital as he can't come right home afterward. We have to plan for if things go badly what he wants for a funeral and how to pay for that. So far, the only thing I can figure is that we have a lot of financial planning to do without a lot of finances to plan with.
So, now I plan fundraisers. While I don't want my family to hold all the burden of helping me with this, it is what it is and I use what resources I have available. Right now, that is family. I'm thinking a concert with an auction to start the fundraising off. Then a CD, but that will cost $1100 - 1500 to produce, so not really a big gain there if you have to fork it out on production costs.
I also have to plan on finding constant and consistent work over the summer. Not teaching full time isn't an option this year as I am just making the expenses as it is. So, I will wait and see what comes available after adjudicating in April. One part of me hopes that the transplant happens in the summer when I technically have 3 months off, but I can't really take 3 months off or we'd be on welfare.
I also just realized that we are for lack of a better term, grounded. He can't leave the Atlantic provinces, or he has to go on hold on the transplant list. That rather sucks. Not that we have the finances to take a vacation mind you, but now that you know you can't, that's what you really want to do.
Oh the mind plays such nasty tricks on you when figuring things like this out.
Should be an interesting time. Could be a short time or a long time, but at least there is a period of time where we are productively waiting.
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