2013

I don't normally do "New Year" the way that most people typically do. Same as I don't do "Christmas" the way most people typically think it should be done.

Both of these events are my least favourite of the year. It is the darkest, deepest and heaviest days of the entire year. If you have plans, more often than not they have to be aborted at the last moment due to weather issues and you have disappointment in not doing what you planned or prepared to do.

In my case this year was the first time in 6 years I was once again working for a church as organist/choir director. I had 6 years of forgetting what it was like to be stuck sitting in a church hour after hour on Christmas Eve then getting home late only to get up early again and put a fake smile on my face to go see family. I'd rather honestly just sleep the day away. Always have been like this according to the family. Dad is a huge Christmas geek and he would have to come in and wake me up. Couldn't care less for Christmas even as a child. Not for any traumatic event or anything that I know of. Just because it's not for me.

I also don't understand why we have to wait for a specific day to give something to someone. If they need it and you can give it to them, why wait? If they want it and you can give it to them, DO it! If I need something, I go out and get it. I'm not going to be looking at something in April and then go, oh...but it's not Christmas so I'll wait. It's not for another 8 months and I'll need something else by then anyway!

I've come to realize New Year celebrating is not for me either. My family were not fans of it and I don't ever remember doing a new year party until I moved out of the house to Halifax. Then I did it once, nearly froze to death and didn't find it was worth the effort or pain, so didn't bother to do it again.

Again, I don't understand why people have to wait for a specific day to make changes. If you are wanting to make a change, MAKE THE CHANGE! NOW! Don't wait for a week or a month or however long until January 1st because the vast majority thinks of it a the only day to make resolutions. That just doesn't equate in my brain. If you want to make a change, make it. Resolve to be better than what you are right now and make this as your day 1 whether it is day 1 of the calendar year or not. Take some responsibility already and don't be a mindless zobie following the commercialized masses.

I also don't want to tempt the fates. I will refrain from doing what a lot of people have done yesterday and today - state that 2013 has to be better than 2012. That's a big ole tempt of the fates and usually, they are far better at accepting the challenges than we are.

My 2012, well it's been epically bad. Very few good things happened and then they all seemed to come at once in the last 10-12 weeks of the year. That's a really hard way to live. Barely breathing with a thought at the start of the day that "today will be better" and then after about 2 hours I would be beaten back down in to a fetal position in my heart, mind and spirit and just wanted to go back to bed. Instead, I plastered a fake smile on my face and put one foot in front of the other. Very few people the wiser.

October 2012 brought massive changes to my life on the positive side of things. I started to work with new people, in new places on things that I am familiar enough with to know what to do and how to do it well, but far enough removed to not have been in a rut or disliking it. I started these things out of necessity, but they have become more of a sanity saver than I ever thought possible.

October 2012 also brought a health crisis. What was planned surgery took a twist. They couldn't do all that was planned and for a period of 5 weeks I didn't know if I had cancer or not. It wasn't something I talked about. Not giving it a voice meant not giving it energy to be. Looking back, I was obsessed with it until I knew whether I did or didn't have it. It was then that I made decisions that made changes that have ended up making me happier. Many people - most of them people who have known me for a LONG time but I had kept a bay for that period of time ended up floating back across my path and ALL have commented that they are pleasantly surprised to see the old me creeping back in again. Everyone had noticed I had shut down and shut off. Pulled away and changed in an attempt to be or fit something that I just am not. It has been the validation that I needed to know the decisions and changes that I decided to make in the throes of facing an unknown result were correct.

It also has shown me that more changes are to come.

I have not been happy. For a LONG time. There have been a wild amount of memes floating around facebook recently (or maybe they are just jumping out at me more) about how if you are not happy, that's your choice. How one must make changes to become happy. I'm happy in a few things, but I'm mostly unhappy with my life. I feel like I have a whole lot of changing to do in 2013 if I am ever to be truly happy. I don't know what they all are, mind you. I just know that there will need to be a ton of them, that they will be difficult and probably shocking to many and that I can't take on what other people think because that never makes anyone happy. I know that I will be labeled selfish and ungrateful. I already have been. But, the reality is, I can only do what I can do to make me happy. In speaking with a dear friend and colleague of mine on Christmas Eve and she announced that she left her husband of 9 years because she realized she was too young to be so miserable that I too am too young to be this unhappy all the time. So, if there is a resolution I am making on this commercialized day 1, it is to do what makes me happy, even if it means others are unhappy.

As a friend of mine posted this morning: "Happy New Year and Happy New Life!"

Things never go quite as expected

You'd think I would have figured out by now that things never go quite as I expect them to.

When September started, I expected to start work at the church on October 1st and have been steadily working on my needs for there through August and September. Yet, when the time came and October 1st came along, I felt terribly behind. The prep work that I had done had to be changed due to outside forces and, well... today's first service that I actually played wasn't quite what I had expected. Folks over all seemed more than happy, but I felt unprepared and always a step behind. Not my favourite feeling.

I also had a certain number of students in certain timeslots and thankfully, most of those are still as I expected.

The community choir that I play for has an oversight committee and without consulting me (I'm not being haughty - they need an accompanist to do what they have plans to do) have added several "gigs" to their schedule. What I expected to be Wednesday nights as it has been for the past two years has modified in to Wednesday nights and a "gig" a month - mainly on Saturday nights and often a 4 hour drive out of town, which will make me getting back to play for the Sunday morning church service a bit tricky. But, they didn't know that I was starting a new job at a church (because they didn't consult) and didn't think I'd have an issue with a paid trip out of town every couple of months (I get re-imbursed, so I have a lot of out of pocket expenses which I find difficult to be able to handle with my current debt-load)

Without any adjudicating jobs in sight (I have sent out 14 and have heard from half of them that they are already booked and the other half I have heard absolutely NOTHING from), I still have to continue to add to my resume so it doesn't look like I just didn't do any kind of work that can be added to my resume, changed up my direction, didn't do any professional development, etc and I have been actively on the look out for seminars, workshops, etc. which is much like pulling hens teeth around here. I will be taking part in one, but not sure it is going to be put on the resume since it is someone I've worked closely with the past few years and have already got their PD stuff on my resume.

A few weekends ago, I was approached by a colleague whom I worked with this past year in a few capacities - one as an adjudicator at their local festival and then as a performer at the concert held here in August to do a choral workshop with their highschool-aged choir group. It just so happens that they are holding their own performance weekend in November and invited me along. I said yes, so my mom & I are going to be heading up to see them in their element in the middle of November so I will be the workshop presenter helping them to get competition ready! I am honoured and feel very blessed and totally STOKED that I can put that on my adjudicator resume as it should help me get more/better jobs next year.

Then, last weekend I got an amazing request/offer to come out and help a fellow colleague put together a school choir at the high school he teaches at. They haven't had any formal choral work in years and he asked me if I would be willing to help. No promise of money and I was happy to work with him on a favour exchange basis because 1) I already owed him a few favours 2) I expect I'll be asking him for a few more as he is one of the best musicians around and he has saved my bacon the past couple of concerts I've put on 3) I really enjoy working with him as I learn a LOT about the tech side and band side of life which I know virtually NOTHING about 4) I'll be able to put this on my resume and it will look AWESOME to prospective adjudicator committees 5) He is willing to write a letter of reference to attach with the resume! SWEET DEAL! I'm in! So, even though I'm not doing any actual adjudicating, I am going to be doing things to help me get bigger and better adjudicating jobs.

Things never go quite as expected. I was really upset about not being booked for any adjudicating. I really enjoy it. I feel like I do a good job of it, but have burned through all the available festivals in my provincial area. Branching out to other provinces I expected to be more difficult, but wasn't expecting to be completely stone-walled. But, had I booked adjudication jobs, I wouldn't have been able to accept the request to help put together a choir from the ground up and work on their musical in the spring. Not as expected, but perhaps different isn't better or worse and it really is just...different.

Sometimes, I look ahead 6 or 10 or 12 months and nothing turns out the way that I looked at them to be. I will be interested to look back at the coming months in the Spring and see whether or not these expectations balance out.

Pissing in peoples cornflakes

My day today has been a constant stream of pissing in people's cornflakes and I'm rather enjoying it.

I was asked and given a RIDICULOUS explanation to do something I am just innately against doing and the explanation that I'm sure they thought would make it easier for me to understand their position and therefore do only cemented in me the need to say no.

I said no to their request, but sent back an alternative idea so as not to appear completely against participating. No response as of yet, but since they were told beforehand that I didn't think it was a wise move, I applaud their boldness for trying.

I was then asked to attempt to put together an even in SJ for the teachers. That is just FUTILE as 99% of the teachers do not feel they need to learn anything more and certainly not from the people that are offering their information and knowledge. When I put it out there and the drivel came back in from others immediately about no time, no need, etc, I happily reminded them that it is a free learning opportunity to better yourselves as well as those that you teach and then pointedly asked what days/times would be workable and the few who need it most either paid lip service by stating I was correct, but making it impossible to schedule the event when they could attend and/or left the conversation completely without input other than saying nothing means they aren't interested. So...I played one last card and pissed in everyone's cornflakes and the reality is that the person who was wanting to come give us information no longer wants to come. Can't say as I blame them. Only 3 teachers actually wanted to go from the start and it simply isn't worth their time and trouble for 3.

When will people get their heads out of their asses to know that being in a position to educate people means that you yourself need to be constantly updated on new techniques, processes, etc?! It scares me that those who are the short-sighted and most stupid are the ones who think they are the smartest and refuse to learn.

I KNOW I am not the smartest, best or greatest, but I thirst to learn more from those who know more and are willing to share freely what they literally paid hundreds of thousands of dollars for and get paid handsomely to do it in other places freely here!

Only problem now is that I have to get out of the pissing in cornflakes mode to calmly and quietly deal with parents and students! That isn't an easy transition for me and I have a whole 25 minutes to do it!

Officially losing my mind

I sleep well for 8 to 9 hours a night and I'm still tired.

I eat well and I feel unsatisfied and always still want more.

I exercise and feel worse afterward.

I love the "people", but one week in to the schedule and I'm already walking through the motions.

What does this tell you? Tells me that I am officially losing my mind.

It is said life is what you think it to be

I have had a lot of people tell me that life is what you make of it. Here are a number of the cliches that I have been told the past while: If you have a positive outlook, your life will be great with positive things & people. If things are not going well, you are just looking at things in the wrong way. Make lemonade out of lemons. If you're experiencing bad, you just have to think better. The glass is half full not half empty.

Perhaps those things are true, but when do we stop making everything rainbows and skittles and start looking at reality? I think that the people who think that they can change their bad things in to goo things by changing the way they look at these things or think about these things are simply and utterly delusional and in complete denial.

Shit happens. A lot. Let's be realistic about it and instead of covering it up with some odor neutralizing kitty litter of mind games, let's face the facts that no matter how much sweet smelling kitty litter is piled on it, at some point you have to get your hands close to dirty and scoop the poop.

When is too much really too much?

I am certifiably wiped. I am totally exhausted. Today is the first day off in 33 days, which included 2 major concerts for my students, 2 overnights away due to competitions and a 2 day event filled with 8 hour meetings and the next day 4 hours of workshops and 4 hours of meetings. I am pooped, but must persevere as we still have to eat and keep a roof over our heads...which, incidentally is now valued at $25, 000 more than it was 2 weeks ago when a "no problem to fix that leak" quote by a roofing company ended up costing $25k in 3 days. No - they were not fleecing me as my entire family saw it for themselves that the roof trusses were rotted completely through and everything needed to be replaced. Literally. Needless to say, that wasn't in the repair budget.

I am looking at taking on a church job in the fall. It should pay between $9-10k for the year. Not what I was previously making 5 years ago doing the same thing, but it is a guaranteed $9-10k that I currently don't have.

But, that doesn't start until the fall.

I'm bone weary tired and whining (I acknowledge that) about the very real and present needs of keeping the bills paid while students take the summer off. I have advertised for summer singing schools in places that I know have none of that offered for a decently cheap rate, but no one is signing up. I only have 6 hour long students and no weddings booked and no funerals on the horizon as the person who was out ill in April & May is back to the bench full time. I have no church fill in time, so 6 hours of students a week isn't going to cut it, but those 6 hours are spread out all over, so the only thing I can come up with is overnights.

It's not something I will be able to keep doing come the fall, so what are the realistic chances that someone will hire me for the next 2 month? Minimal, right?

Plus, I am tired. I think I've mentioned that before in this post. And I'm starting to wonder when too much is really too much? Do I take the financial hit and not work to regoup physically & mentally or do I keep putting one foot in front of the other until I absolutely can't? I don't think there is actually a right or wrong answer to this question. I guess it comes down to being selfish or not. I haven't yet decided, but figure I will have to decide soon. I will either have to cancel my summer school offerings and get a real job within the next 2 weeks.

My life is like a gong...I mean, game show! Stay tuned for the final decision LOL

Almost through

I am one week away from being finished the longest festival season to date in my life. It started rough and I am hoping that it doesn't end quite so rough! Only time will tell. I adjudicated three festivals of varying lengths and intensities.

The first two were "laid back" in atmosphere and people, but the first festival was an extremely intensive schedule with 3 out of 4 days being 12 - 14 hour days, often with no or shortened breaks. The last one was "intense and competitive" in people and atmosphere, but laid back in schedule with every evening and some afternoon and evening off. I have not had much time to reflect on the experiences. I definitely learned greatly from each of these events in different ways and hope to use that new information going forward. It would really be difficult to keep up a 3 festival schedule each year. I acknowledge that this year was different from most other years that I will have personally as well, but it was very difficult on the head and spirit. I will have to take time to consider the schedule and how it affects my personal and teaching life a little more when I go on the hunt for festivals to adjudicate at in the future.

The interesting thing is the first festival I was at was done a month ago, yet it is just now coming back to "haunt me". Through no fault or issue of mine, one of the teachers there has lodged a complaint - 1 month post festival! It's simply ludicrous, but the reality is that there is a pissing match happening between that teacher and another teacher and she is trying to get the other teacher's students disqualified from progressing further in to the provincial festival, which I recommended they go on and compete in, so said teacher is trying to get me to say that I was co-erced and if that doesn't work, then she is going to try to get it so that I made errors in process. Neither thing happened. The reality is that the adjudicators decision is FINAL. Tout finis! Suck it up buttercup and move on. Don't be calling me to complain or get me to tell you the process by which I made my decisions a month ago! So, I will be sending the festival board a letter of recommendation that they add a clause in to their rules & regulations stating all questions, concerns and protests must be made before the end of festival. Once I am done I am done. You are not going to pay me to be your problem solver, so why should I a month later?

The second festival, only 3 days long with one12 hour day, one 10 hour day and one 5 hour day was a breeze as far as physical schedule and I thought it overall as far as the work side of things went well, but the feedback was less than positive by the festival secretary/co-ordinator, but rave reviews have also come in from the president and adjudicator committee chair! After having the secretary tell me about the complaints and upset people (not just family members) but not giving me specifics, I went directly to the source of the people complaining - their teacher. Their teacher gave me specific things that made the students and people in attendance upset, which when I heard it, I had to agree their concerns/complaints were valid. That teacher then went on to tell me that as much as the people were upset, the reality is that what I said was valid, what I wrote as critiques and the tips that I gave to everyone to help them "fix it up" were legitimate and VERY helpful and that she was incorporating my suggestions in to those student's repertoire, but ALL of her student's repertoire with MUCH success! She basically told me to keep doing what I'm doing, but leave out X, Y & Z. Luckily she gave me this helpful piece of information BEFORE I did my last adjudication job this past week. It also came out that since last year's adjudicator was known to be a friend of mine and that we usually work very closely together (we haven't this year due to my personal schedule and issues) and because we said very similar things (only the other person did not give tips & tricks to help improve their abilities) that they thought we had gotten together ahead of time and worked together to hold certain people back as I basically did the same thing to the same people as the other person did last year - i.e. did not recommend the person that was expected to move on further in competition. I did not KNOW this ahead of time, but everyone there is quite convinced we are in "cahoots" against certain students. Really?! That is SO not worth my time and energy. I have other, more pressing things that need my attention than their diva not getting what they believe to be her due.

The third and final festival was very, VERY intense. Far more intense in repertoire and status than any other festival I had been involved in before. The physical schedule was light, which I am VERY thankful for because it took every ounce of energy out of me. I'm as yet unsure why - if it was simply that the work itself was that much bigger and more difficult or if it was because it was the third in 4 weeks or if I was just that upset by the information from the 2nd festival which threw me in to a whirlpool of self-doubt and internal chaos, or if it was all of it combined, but I was most thankful for the lighter schedule so I could actually recover. I seriously needed recovery time at the end of every day just to get up the next day and do my job. Very uncomfortable feeling, to say the least. I have asked for feedback, if they have any, good and bad so that I can continue to learn and improve. Our system does not have any seminars, workshops or even national minimum standards, so for me the only way to know what needs improving is to take the criticisms. I am hopeful that these will be presented in a more constructive way than what I was given 2 weeks ago. This week I go from critique mode to performer mode. I am exhausted, but excited and am looking forward to hearing someone else that I can hopefully pick up some dos and don'ts from.

I have also made a decision to go out on a limb and apply for an apprenticeship program centered in Ontario that if I am accepted to would give me the ability to travel nationally. They don't take many and often do not take people on their first application, but I figure I have nothing to lose at this point except the chance and some cash. So, I'm printing the stuff off tonight when I am done teaching and sending it purolator tomorrow. Keeping toes crossed that they will take a chance on me and perhaps I can start the apprenticeship program this summer. Currently, I have NOTHING booked, so it would be a great thing timing-wise for me! I will keep you posted. Keep your fingers crossed, please & thank you.