I have made a realization the past few days that has been a long time coming. I am an acquaintance.
I know a fair number or people, but the reality is that more people know me/know of me than I know them. It drives my husband absolutely batty that I can not go anywhere in this city without someone coming at us from the other direction going "Hi Terri-Lynn!"
The realization that has been a long time coming is that I am not a friend, I am an acquaintance. Even the people that I "know" I don't consider to really be a friend. The people that I used to work with at the call centers I no longer have face to face dealings with. I make comments on the facebook statuses or blogs, but I don't deal with them and I certainly wouldn't consider them a friend.
The person I considered my BFF for more than the past decade I have not really had much dealings with for the past 8 years really. I realized last night that while I had gone and visted with her and her family in January, I hadn't called or even emailed her since. We are in compeltely different places in our lives, and that's what happens in life, but really, if I was a friend, I would have had closer contact. I interact more with the people on fb more than with her. There are a number of underlying factors to this, but I think it's been a rather natural process. I doubt very much that we'll be seeing each other much going forward just because of time and circumstance and choices. I doubt that it is something that will be discussed directly, but I think we both now realize the score.
I have also realized the past few days that there are people who consider me to be their friend, but I don't consider myself to be their friend. Again, they made some decisions in the past few years that I just can't bring myself to agree with on any level. In watching them make those decisions and working through the consequences, they can't understand why people (not just me) pull away and they whine and cry about it. When an attempt to explain it was made, the visciousness of their defense, before the explanation was even finished was enough to make even me just throw my hands in the air and give up trying to make them see how alienating their behavour and attitude is. They still contact me, but I no longer reach out to them.
In January, my husband and I went to Halifax. It was then that I realized I had lost all contacts with the people that I thought I was close to when I lived there. I haven't lived there in 10 years. The last time I saw the people that I spent a lot of time with while there was 8 years ago. I haven't seen or talked to that set of people since the funeral of a 12 year old student of mine in Hfx, whose father I taught with. It was as if with that funeral, there was an ending that was more final even than his death.
I have found a couple of people from my Hfx days online and on fb, but it has been so long, I haven't even friended them. It's as if knowing they are still around there is good enough.
I also realized the past couple of days that the people here in SJ are more acquaintances than friends. I believe I saw one of my childhood friends more when I lived in Halifax and she was in town visiting than we do living in the same city.
My schedule is rather prohibitive to getting together with people, but admittedly, so is my attitude. It is clearly evident that I am much more inclined after my teaching day or teaching week to plunk myself in my chair and watch a movie or catch up on the TV shows that are DVR'ed from the week than go out and talk to, deal with and interact with people. My husband is not exactly a social butterfly either, so it definitely is something that enables me to be comfortable in my isolation and perfect the acquaintance vs. friend.
Something my mother said to me a lot when growing up has also been ringing in my ears lately...don't make friends, they'll only hurt you. In my case though, I don't think it was those that I considered to be my friends that hurt me. I believe it was me that hurt them.
So, thanks for being my acquaintance. It's the best I can hope for! :)
3 comments:
I am feeling similar lately, though not about you. I feel as though a lot of my "friends" are actually just acquaintances. It kind of leaves me feeling like I don't have many friends anymore.
Social networking is partly to blame. You don't feel the need to call and talk to someone directly because you already know what they're up to (or at least you think you do). There is also winter hibernation. Lastly, it's a matter of putting in the effort. There are some people with whom I just don't want to put in the effort anymore; they've changed too much, and I just don't like them enough to want to spend a lot of time with them. Sad, but true. (Again, not you)
Your mother's comment is funny in a way, as it reminds me of a comment from my mother: "no wonder you have no friends".
I will admit I feel a bit intimidated by your schedule. I always think of you as incredibly busy, and sometimes don't initiate contact because I don't think you have time. That's not right, I should call anyway and let you tell me whether or not you have time, instead of assuming.
I really miss the days where a bunch of us would get together for karaoke after work. It enabled us to interact in person, kept everyone in better touch than a soulless social website. It's one reason why I'm in 2 book clubs right now, at least I get to see people regularly.
I'm still here, and you are still one of my best friends, whether we get to spend time together or not. Friendship is also about knowing you can count on someone. I may not have seen you for weeks, but I know you're there for me when I need you most. I still want to know what you're up to and how you're feeling. I could use a friend to go with me to Calais or Moncton at times too. The four of us also need to go bowling. Friendships, like marriage, take work. We just need to get better at spending actual time together.
Friends and family are an ever-evolving situation. People move, get married, change careers, change favorite activities, etc.
Life is evolution.
It is time for you to evolve into a new situation with new friends and activities that fit in with your schedule and needs. If that happens to include some who were friends, great. If it involves all new friends, that's great too.
And if you don't believe me, try moving across the continent and to a new country... you'll find what I've said particularly true. :-D
Oh, and that other respondent? She's smart and says a lot of good things in her comment, too. ;-)
I realize that there are stages in life and that people come and people go, I just didn't realize that they don't come and go in a sort of "checks and balances" way. It seems to be an all or nothing way.
I look back now that I'm older and see so many people that I thought were so close that I haven't spoken to in years. Nothing major happened - no fights, not a bad word, just time and space. Then I look at now and feel that there are maybe a handful and a half of people that I feel are friends and then I have also been told that family can't be counted as friends. That leaves things very slim!
I agree with everything you both said. All very valid points. My schedule is often intimidating to me! LOL!! So, I don't blame you for not wanting to initiate a phone call. Even my mother (for the most part) has stopped calling and waits for me to call so she doesn't disturb a lesson, rehearsal, etc. That's enormous!
I guess now that I have turned a more momentous age that I'm looking back at the younger years with longing to be back there for certain aspects of life...the people I hung around being most of it.
Perhaps I just need more "me" time than I used to and should be thankful for it while it's here!
I just fear since I'm not going to have children that my sister may be right when she asks who is going to visit your ass in the old folks home if you don't have any family or friends?
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