Due to various reasons, I have had a rather lengthy hiatus from posting. The main reason is that my husband had major surgery. More on that later.
Right now, I have a burning question. Am I REALLY a prude? I never thought of myself as one, but I believe I am a serious prude/stick in the mud after a conversation I had this afternoon.
I had lunch with a friend who is going on her third year of "working on a divorce". her husband moved on 3+ years ago and has been living with his "new woman" for as long as my friend and he have been split. She however, did not move on right away, though she has had a couple of long-term (probably even considered serious) relationships as well as a couple of "flings". At the start of things, the children were 7 & 10 years of age. They are now 10 & 13. At the start of things, she said she kept a hard and fast rule of not introducing suitors to the kids until she knew that it wasn't just a fling. That's cool with me. Makes sense in my brain. The last 3 or 4 though have met the kids up front. She figures they are now old enough to deal with things if it's not a long term situation in the end. The second to last relationship their first date included the kids and within 6 weeks, they were done. The kids got attached to a "psycho" and she had to put an end to it even though the kids really liked him.
Today, she tell me about her new man. He seems very nice and they seem to be well-suited. The thing that they will be dealing with is that it will be a long distance relationship with him away for 2-4 weeks at a time. They've been dating 6 or 7 weeks and have spent 3 weeks in each others presence during this time.
What I turned in to a total prude about what when she started telling me about their lovely last few nights together and the youngest just starts "grrrrr"ing. Literally! I was confused, until she told the child to "get over it". Apparently, last night was their last night together for a few weeks and they were making the most of it, but the kids were up and watching TV and as they were "enjoying themselves", they weren't being quiet or even trying to hide it from the kids. The youngest (10, remember) got so upset he started pounding on the door and screaming at them to stop. She said she was so mad and SO embarrassed and opened the door long enough to tell the child that she was an adult and adults have sex and to get used to it!
Ummmm...ok, I GET the fact that you won't be seeing each other for a while, but I DON'T get the mentality that doing it loud enough to freak the kid out is no big deal and that they just have to get used to it! Apparently, this wasn't the first time this happened. In the relationship with the "psycho", the older one pounded on the door to get them to stop and/or quiet down a couple of times, but now that child just laughs about it. The older one told me today that they just grabbed their computer and their headphones and drowned them out.
I guess I have issues on a few different levels about a few different things.
1) If you are doing something to upset your children so much that they have a complete and utter freak out, stop doing it.
2) If said freak out happens multiple times by multiple children, STOP DOING IT!
3) Sex isn't THAT important! I believe that you need to put kids before sex. I am also a person who can go for long periods of time without having sex (longest time was just over 7 years) and I don't understand the "need to have it" issues that what seems like 99% of the rest of the population have.
4) If the discussion of the person you are in a relationship with illicits that response from your child, RE-THINK THE RELATIONSHIP!! You will only have one relationship with your kids, but men come and go (or come and blow, but that's another rant)
Am I just a complete stick in the mud/prude for the disbelief of the conversation and the events that led to this conversation? What is wrong with me that I don't have the need for sex like the rest of the world does that they forgo everything and everyone else for it? Am I the one that is wrong? Am I broken? Or am I the clear thinking one and they are only thinking with their bodies and not their brains?
I tried to not portray that I was highly mortified and offended for myself, but mostly for the kids who were also enduring this conversation with me! I am not sure I was successful, but I can say I was completely blown away by the flippant way the conversation went not just with me, but with the kids and can't help but wonder what the 10 year old is going to turn out like as the hormones start to come alive! Will they both be flippant sex fiends who seem to have no care about anything or anyone else around them and will have it when and where they want it? I also can't help but wonder what the mother is going to do when they come of age (which is 16, I believe in Canada) and they want to have sex in their mother's house! Words to haunt you, I think.
I think I'm glad I don't have the desires of the rest of the population since it isn't something I could ever see myself becoming a slave to like this person has!
So...what say you...am I a prude?
5 comments:
Unbelievable. She will be a grandmother in no time flat, if that's her attitude.
My belief is that sex is a private thing. I don't want anyone else seeing or hearing me.
Kids deserve to be kids. Doing this near them puts them in an awkward position, makes them uncomfortable, and may give them a sense of sex entitlement in a couple of years. I feel so bad about the younger kid being freaked out. That breaks my heart.
Babysitters were invented for a reason: to allow adults some private time. USE IT.
I think it is a delicate issue that each person needs to handle according to the intelligence and sociability of his/her children.
If what you are doing freaks out your child, you should stop, assess, answer any questions, and leave it for another time. If your children are old/mature enough to understand, then okay.
What you describe sounds like her children (at least the youngest) doesn't fully get it, so it is time for her to suck it up and BE A PARENT. Being the parent, not a friend or buddy, to the child always comes first. That, almost by definition, means that you sacrifice some of your life for the child.
And, to answer your other question, no, you are not even unusual in not "needing" sex. TV, movies, music, and magazines all show human beings as sex-crazed animals, but something far from that is the real norm. Some men and some women need it often, most need it occasionally, and some need it rarely. You may be in the rarely arena.
The only time it makes a big difference is when a Rarely and an Often are in a relationship, because then neither is ever going to be happy/satisfied long-term.
The first note that I have is that this story is none of your business for her to be telling you. I know the friend that you speak of and you seem to have several friends that use you as their counselor. It takes a great deal of your energy to be around these people. They think highly of you (which they should) but exhaust you in order to make them feel better about themselves.
My second note is that even though I agree with Liz and that is the reason for babysitters, try to put yourself in her shoes for a bit. She was left by her ex for another woman. She has been trying to fill that void by being wanted by someone, sometimes anyone, to the point of her own detriment. She has had a feud with her ex in the past over custody and when she has the kids getting a babysitter might scare her that the ex will find out that she isn't with them. This of course was not an issue for the ex as he introduced the kids to his lover immediately after the break up.
My third note is that she leads with her heart in these matters and not with her head. You have known that for quite some time and you know that she knows the right answer but wants someone (you) to validate that she isn't making a big mistake because she wants what you have.
My last note is that before putting yourself in the rarely class you might want to think back to what you were like when our relationship was that new or even just back to when I was healthy and how it made you feel if we weren't intimate. People need to be wanted. It doesn't have to mean sex all the time as there are many other ways of showing your partner that they are special. Sometimes it takes a while in a relationship to recognize these other techniques in romance.
All of you have given me food for thought.
I agree about the babysitting thing that Liz states, but also agree with Spiritswoosh that she has always had issues with getting a sitter. Most of the last 2 years she has been leaving the eldest in charge and she goes out and does her thing, but since they had no where else to go because he doesn't live here, there they were.
I also agree with John's observation that this kind of activity needs to be done according to the children. It obviously isn't something the youngest is able to handle enotionally yet as it was a complete and utter freak out in front of me the day after it happened, so I can only imagine what it was like at the time!
as a note to this post, today I saw a commercial on TV where the mom gave her teenage son an unexpected gift of really expensive, great headphones. The son seemed somewhat confused and I the viewer was confused since it didn't say it was Christmas or his birthday when the commercial cut to the end and the Cialis logo came on. OMG!!! I disagree with this commercial COMPLETELY!! I didn't find it funny or cute, I found it rank.
I am simply an old prude if this is what the world has come to!
For your last comment, yes you are a prude. The son in the commercial is clearly older in high school or university. If you expect a family to put their lives on hold for that long then you have got another thing coming.
If the couple had been together for the child's whole life (such as the child's mother and father) then even 10 years old would be fine for me...just be a little more discrete like in the commercials. The child is already seeing sexuality on TV and movies at that age and in this instance it teaches the child that it's ok in a long-term loving environment and not dirty or something to be rushed into.
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