hateful

I am a very hateful person. I have been on medication for a few months now and I don't find I'm any less hateful...I just find I am more in the "don't care"mode.

I still find I'm hatefilled...Van will attest to that, but that I am now to the point where I don't care that I am, I don't care that I'm not, I don't care if I do something, I don't care if I don't do something, that I just don't care.

I actually didn't want to get up today and go to work. I hate going to work so much that I'd rather avoid. So, I guess in that respect I do care because I don't want to go. And it's not because I don't like the work...for the most part I really love the work, there are just certian things about work that are just too much to bear.

Since being "re-assigned" (i.e. demoted) I've been demoted in all respects except for the workload and responsibilities! That's really not fair. They can't afford to hire someone else to be the operations manager, they told everyone that I was basically no longer the ops manager, yet they are still expecting me to do everything at least project and documentation wise and cleaning up shit wise of the operations manager.

I'm no longer on the operations floor, but yet, they expect me to know what's going on. and when I say I don't know, they are confused as to why.

When I am pro-active on something operations wise and present it to them, it's not what they wanted, it's not the way they would have done it, etc., etc., etc. and then tell me that they don't know what they want, but that's not it and try again.

Fuck you!

They bring in a sales manager, tell him that I'm project manager, not ops manager, but then when all hell breaks loose between vacatins and illness and I have to step up to ensure that the business keeps running operationally, he doesn't understand why it's me he is now having to deal with as I'm only "acting" as manager and he doesn't have to "report back to me". Yes indeed, it's been easy at work to say the least.

Then they wonder why I'm on nerve and mental medication!! Kinda easy when you stop and look at all the responsibilities I still have when I shouldn't, without any real ability to do them or power to oversee them and the people here.

The floor no longer sees me as their manager, because I'm no longer there with them, watching them constantly, knowing what's going on.

The management no longer sees me as the manager, because they re-assigned me, but didn't re-assign the work.

I no longer see me as the manager, because they told me I'm not, yet I'm still doing the work so that the place doesn't fall apart, but the hate and resentment that has been building up and consuming me is getting difficult to contain.

Today, in the midst of a crying spell, one of the owners said to me that the two owners actually discussed last week how unfair this is to me, but that they don't know of a way around it and that once again, they didn't realize the difficult position they put me in until somethign bad happens and it's then too late.

While i'd like to say here that I don't care, I can say that I do care about this and I do care that there is nothing they can do about it because it's at my expense.

I sooooo need a break. Everyone else but Van and I have taken vacation and enjoyed the summer. I didn't feel like I coudl take a break so soon after going on sick leave for 5 weeks, but now we're looking down the barrell of a loaded gun with 5 projects all seemingly gearing up to start at the same time, which means for us it's hiring and training time and on top of that, for me it's project programming, testing, and management. This is on top of all the other reports, processes, documentation needs, payroll, etc., etc., etc. that I have been responsible for.

They pay me well, but it's still not enough.

I'm truly hateful. i should be thankful to have a job - one that allows me luxuries and some freedoms, but I am not. hate filled, resentment filled...that's what I am and I honestly don't care about that.